Anchors, Away!

The topic a couple of weeks ago at WW was anchors: as in, what is my anchor? While I do seem well entrenched in program, I'm not sure that I've totally embraced anchoring. I usually get back into WW in stages, and some of the tools (or "tools", as I like to call them) are more for mocking than using. Or maybe that's one of the ways I shoot myself in the foot: not totally doing program.

But this time I have been pretty contemplative. I want this to be the last time I have 50 lbs to lose, and I want to get to lifetime and stay there. So I willing to be open, and to acknowledge that a million-dollar company with lots of researchers and dough behind it might just be onto something. 

The last couple of times I've done this successfully, I have basically used an Excel spreadsheet as my anchor. This was more an exercise of what could be than something that helped. I would track my weight and have scenarios of what it would be if I lost a certain weight per week, when would I reach my goal. But much of the time this was just frustrating and not helpful. Looking at what could have been after a "bad" week is not helpful. Having such a concrete goal that does not account for reality, like water weight or heat or being sick and not going to the gym just seemed to send me on benders of feeling like a failure.

I am on my third 10% key chain. The first one is the only one I got for having lost 10% sequentially, and sometimes I feel like it was the only honest one I earned. But last week, after reaching a low weight I have not seen in over 3 years, I allowed myself to earn a 25# charm, my second. And I acknowledged that even if I didn't lose the weight consecutively, it was earned, perhaps the hard way: in small steps forward and backward.

So I was looking at my keychain with its two 25 pound charms, and my Ganesh charm, and my namaste charm, and it occurred to me that it was, indeed, my anchor. The 2 WW pieces remind me of my journey, with all its ups and downs. Ganesh reminds me that I don't want to be a fat elephant-headed person with an enormous tummy (not really a threat, but still...). And my namaste charm reminds me that I need to chill more and not be so obsessive or stressed out. I drive everyday, and I use my keys multiple times. They will do perfectly as an anchor.

Mantra of the day: I deserve this

I have had a really rocky past couple of years in many ways,  particularly with WW. You might even say I've had my ups and down, and say it with and without irony; both would be true. Hard as it was this time to get back on the wagon and stay up there unreservedly, I have stuck with it. Looking back at my weight tracker this morning, while waiting for my award and preparing mentally what I would say, even though I gained and lost and regained the same 10 lbs over and over, I was showing up. Lame, you might say, but those in the know realize that as long as you attend the meetings, you are, even in a small way, holding yourself more accountable than if you dropped out for several weeks at a time and then came back to the fold.

This year, at around the first meeting of the year, I looked back and realized that last year I had lost a total of 22 lbs, most of which I gained back. Looking back at couple of years, I realized I started and ended several weight trackers at the exact same weight. My body was set in its ways, and until I actually started doing program, nothing would change. That was less of a revelation and more of a growing suspicion, but either way it did the trick.

Today I got my 25 lb charm. This is the least I've weighed since before I trashed my weight history (damn me anyway for reseting my app...). For the past several weeks, I have been congratulated by the staff at weigh in and I have resisted celebrating my loss. It was not the first time I lost--or gained, for the matter--these pounds. Today, finally cracking down below that low point, I allowed myself to feel proud of myself, to be acknowledged. That is so hard sometimes.

We watched an episode of Elementary last night where Sherlock was blowing off his one-year sober celebration. I could so relate. But his sponsor made a good point: celebrating these milestones isn't just about us, it is also about those who struggle alongside us. Acknowledging our success gives hope to others that, too, may also reach their goals. It was a timely lesson.

I have struggled before with my weird perfectionism, or the voices in my head that tell me that even though I was working hard, I wasn't working hard enough and so didn't deserve to succeed, or some such crap. This time I want to be easier on myself.

So bring on the kudos. I will try hard not to flinch or shrug, as usual, but to take it like a woman. And mean it, wholeheartedly.

I'm preparing for the zombie apocalypse and other odd rationalizations

You probably don't know this about me, but I like paranormal/sci fi fiction. As such, I watch "Revolution", which is not about zombies (that would be Walking Dead, which I actually don't watch), but about a dystopian future where there is no power (not to be confused with the books by Sterling, that I don't read).

If I haven't lost you yet with my sidetracking, you may be wondering why any of this is relevant. Well, my daughter has a plan about the zombie apocalypse, and in the back of my mind I have an alternate one for a powerless future. That future would require bicycles. And that brings me to my point: oddest reasons to buy something.

I own a bike, and I long since stopped riding it, and turned it over to my daughter. So if we were on the run, from zombies or Monroe's militia, how would I get around? I am almost sold on the idea of a new bike. And I can justify it by more than just zombies or power outages.

My bike, purchased back in the day that mountain bikes were hot, is of a configuration that irritates my carpel tunnel. So getting a "comfort bike" would be paramount. This is a bike that wouldn't put undue pressure on my wrists, and would allow me to ride in a more natural upright position. Most importantly, a bike would allow me to engage in regular exercise, which could only lead to fitness (or perhaps accidents and humiliation, but I hope not. )

Now all I have to do is let my thinking simmer a bit, until my reasoning feels organic or at least believable.