Mantra of the day: I deserve this

I have had a really rocky past couple of years in many ways,  particularly with WW. You might even say I've had my ups and down, and say it with and without irony; both would be true. Hard as it was this time to get back on the wagon and stay up there unreservedly, I have stuck with it. Looking back at my weight tracker this morning, while waiting for my award and preparing mentally what I would say, even though I gained and lost and regained the same 10 lbs over and over, I was showing up. Lame, you might say, but those in the know realize that as long as you attend the meetings, you are, even in a small way, holding yourself more accountable than if you dropped out for several weeks at a time and then came back to the fold.

This year, at around the first meeting of the year, I looked back and realized that last year I had lost a total of 22 lbs, most of which I gained back. Looking back at couple of years, I realized I started and ended several weight trackers at the exact same weight. My body was set in its ways, and until I actually started doing program, nothing would change. That was less of a revelation and more of a growing suspicion, but either way it did the trick.

Today I got my 25 lb charm. This is the least I've weighed since before I trashed my weight history (damn me anyway for reseting my app...). For the past several weeks, I have been congratulated by the staff at weigh in and I have resisted celebrating my loss. It was not the first time I lost--or gained, for the matter--these pounds. Today, finally cracking down below that low point, I allowed myself to feel proud of myself, to be acknowledged. That is so hard sometimes.

We watched an episode of Elementary last night where Sherlock was blowing off his one-year sober celebration. I could so relate. But his sponsor made a good point: celebrating these milestones isn't just about us, it is also about those who struggle alongside us. Acknowledging our success gives hope to others that, too, may also reach their goals. It was a timely lesson.

I have struggled before with my weird perfectionism, or the voices in my head that tell me that even though I was working hard, I wasn't working hard enough and so didn't deserve to succeed, or some such crap. This time I want to be easier on myself.

So bring on the kudos. I will try hard not to flinch or shrug, as usual, but to take it like a woman. And mean it, wholeheartedly.