That was easy (sorta)

My mood is probably the top thing keeping me off the wagon. This recession has made this one of the worst job searches ever for me, and naturally I have fallen into all the things that trap you and keep you from putting your best foot forward: isolation and depression pretty much making everything seem harder than it really is. From writing a cover letter that begs you to send a resume into the shredder to not wanting to go back to the job search networking group because you have nothing new to say, I have done it all. And none of that makes me care enough to take care of myself.

This week I finally went back to counseling. Low and behold the counselor said a number of things that make so much sense, like everyone is having a hard time finding a job, it's not personal, let the employer decide that I don't qualify for a job rather than paralyzing myself with doubt that I can do it. Just saying some of this stuff out loud is helpful. No doubt, taking that first step is what sent me to food yesterday.

For me it's all about "two steps forward, one step back", or vice verse sometimes. But I'm just calling yesterday a glitch and not letting it steer me back off the wagon. Today I finally called for my 3rd extension of unemployment; as my counselor said they wouldn't have voted it in if people (besides myself) didn't need it.

Most of counseling is not hearing anything new, but hearing from someone else. When I try to tell it to myself, it's often accompanied by judgments and negative statements. And it comes as no surprise that I have a hard time asking for help, whether it's from friends or the state employment division.

For christmas this year I think I'll give myself the gift of letting others help...

Open mouth, insert foot

I am really kind of amazing, when you think about it. How else would you explain how a natural pleaser type could live in the body of a rebel? Those two characteristics should really cancel each other out, but instead I can go out of my way to please some, while rebelling against others simultaneously. Amazing...

Witness the rebel in my reaction to anyone who says the phrase "Should you be eating that?" to me. My response is usually "Eff you, I'll have some more." Alternately, I have gotten myself into some pickles with my desire to say yes to everyone. In one work situation, I totally ended up painting myself in a corner when I should have, for once, just said "it's not my job" and passed it off to someone else. I learned that lesson late, but did finally learn it, but not before the 2 people I was working to please ended up hating each other. Note to self: it is virtually impossible to try to please too many people and end up looking good when you are forced to use the other people against each other.

Case in point, coming up with a team when the numbers are limited and the total amount of players exceeds the limit. How do you choose when the team is playing for money and bragging rights? Do you choose a friend over a better player? Do you speak to the players who don't get picked? Or are you fully intending to blame the friend not making the cut on your husband? I know there has to be a better solution than telling the friend they just don't contribute much to the team. Is there a better solution than blaming the husband, who is often opinionated and tactless anyway??

In a way, I guess it's good that I have always been a picky eater, so that the pleasing thing never extended to food. I literally would be at least twice my size if it did. But I sure do wish I could work the rebel thing to my advantage instead of against it.

Still Don't Know What I'm Looking For...

My "yay me" list:

• Have not finished off any of the Thanksgiving leftovers
• Have more or less tracked all my points this week
• Went for a walk (baby steps...)
• Arranged for counseling
• Started laying out the newsletter
• Taking part in the online community at WW

Then today when I was in the shower, I almost talked myself into being more proactive in my search for short-term or long-term work. Then I got dressed. Maybe later...

I am so easily "talked out" of being motivated! It is so much easier to do nothing than to do something! I hate talking to people on the phone! I hate feeling awkward or stupid! But most of all, I just don't see me doing any of the jobs I find. What the hell do I want to be when I grow up??

I keep forgetting that I just need money. If I can get even a crappy job, it isn't forever. Then I remember other temp jobs that I hated.

Yes, I am just whining. I deserve a job that I enjoy. I deserve to be respected for my work and get acknowledgement that I do good work. I should feel good about any job that I do my best at. But...

I read on someone's blog today that food is one area that you can control when everything else in your life seems out of your control. That is definitely food for thought.

Anti Progress!

So one year ago I weighed 8 pounds less than today. The lowest I weighed this year was 188. What's up with that??!

This year has not exactly been a banner year for me. Still unemployed. Still bigger than I want to be. First panic attack. Still have high cholesterol. Quit the gym. Discovered hooping, but quit it. Re-discovered quilting, but quit it amid many projects. Spent a lot of time playing with virtual pets and trivia. Spent a long time running frantically after the wagon, trying to climb back on (or playing with the streamers dangling off: half and half).

But as they say, the journey of a thousand steps begins with just one (or something like that). My goal for the rest of the year is to get back to my old starting weight. That's just 8 lbs total. There's 5 weeks left of the year, and I lost 1.2 this week, so just 6.8 to go. I'm trying to get back into the WW community. They've revamped it and it has Facebook-like qualities to it. Hmmm... Kind of confusing to find conversations you took part in, but I'm game for something new.

Not there yet

Last week, my leader passed out these little forms titled "How on program are you?" I faithfully copied it so I could write on it and have one for next week, and then... nothing. I am not ready to be on program, apparently. In fact I had a little binge this week after some unsavory parenting or job hunting moment already out of my memory. Sigh. More thinking on why I don't really want to be healthier....

Serendipity

Ironically, even with all my eating last week, I somehow lost 2 lbs. Woo hoo! I'll take it! Now to get serious about this getting healthier.

Went for a walk yesterday, albeit a stressful one full of a little boy doing kung fu leaps close to the edge of the path (aka the "Cliffs") and his dad battling with him with sticks.

Had dinner with my sisters celebrating one of their birthdays. It was one of those chi-chi restaurants with tiny portions, so I think I did OK. No dessert there, but came home and had toasted almond gelato. Yum! But now that that's out of my system, back to work on eating healthier.

Is it too late to lose 20 pounds by 7 tonight?

Once more, here it is my high school reunion and I find myself unprepared. I've been cramming all day and still I just don't have a lot of memories. I may bring my year book as a reminder. I've been stressing this event for some time now (at least a week of sleeping poorly)--or maybe it's the job search. At any rate, I had my epiphany last night when I realized that there's no way I can possibly lose weight by tonight, so why sweat it? I was trying on clothing yesterday at a shop and nothing looked good and I looked huge. Why do I keep gaining? It's all fun and games until I have to face other people, which is pretty much every day.

But today I was thinking that even though I'm at my heaviest and I'm unemployed, I really should count my blessings, as it were. Now I'm not usually a blessings counter. In fact if you asked me if I were a glass-half-full gal or glass-half-empty, my response would be to worry if the glass size factored in, and whether it was clear or not. Still, I realize that I'm not divorced, nothing horrific has happened to me, I still have all my teeth and all of my working parts. I have a great family (one of whom is annoying me right now with his squeaky crocs: one guess who that is). Really, I have more good things than bad things right now. So what if I'm fat...

Precarious position

Another vent. Dealing with lapsed prescriptions today, which means I get to feel dumb talking to people on the phone about things I dropped the ball on. Just got myself a bit under control yesterday and managed to avoid some temptations. Today...here I am poised on the brink of feeling really stupid and out of control, so what better to do than to eat something bad! Yes, I know that won't help. And while I know there shouldn't be a connection between feeling stupid and guilty (for not getting a physical earlier in the year when I had an indication that there might be a problem) and going on a food binge, there you have it.

So I think instead I'll have a shower (yes, it is already almost noon: why do you ask??) and brush my teeth. Must get groceries today since we're out of almost everything. Maybe I'll try a new recipe out for dinner. I've got my WW ice cream for a treat.

PS: Miraculously still have 2 mini containers of ice cream in the freezer.

PSS: It occurs to me that if there's a liability issue for a doctor issuing refills for a patient he hasn't seen in 2 years, perhaps he should have written me a letter last year instead of getting stubborn and pissy about it now. Just sayin'....

Venting before I do any damage!

Just have to blow off a little steam in order to not go off on a bender. I've been obsessed lately with a certain game on a certain social network who shall remain anonymous except they are named for a body part.... Anyway, Kyra got me hooked, and Ethan plays as well. I let them have accounts on this network under my supervision, even tho they are not strictly old enough (ehem, cue the guilt over teaching a lesson about working around the system...) I got into the game so much that I created a couple of different personas in order to play more. Well, I finally reach saturation level with the game, after about a week of playing for such long stretches that I didn't eat much, and so decided to dump the extra personas. That started a bunch of redistributing the wealth, so to speak: spending these people's "money" and sending it off as gifts to me and my kids. Furthermore, my zeal in helping them reach game goals had me playing their pets, and adding new network people so as to get more "money".

Yesterday it all backfired on the wrong person: Kyra's account got disable because they suspected her of being a scammer. They said she was accepting people as friends who were not friends. What gave her away? Her account name which is clearly not a person's name, or all the gifts I sent her? Who knows. She has been slapped, but as they say, they are watching her for suspect activity.

Which brings me to my rant. How frigging hypocritical! As I got enmeshed in the game, it came to my attention that people were adding friends indiscriminately, and creating people on this network with goofier names than Kyra's, names like "John SPP", just in order to earn "money" from the training program. How is a last name like an animal less suspicious than a last name of all consonants, I ask?? So irritating!! We're not trying to scam anyone, we play nicely, we give complements and gifts. Other than bending the rules slightly, we're doing nothing wrong, whereas...

And to be clear she is being slapped by the network, not by the game. The game admins acknowledge that people will have multiple accounts, and you get rewarded for having a lot of friends. No way to have 1000+ friends than by accepting the friendship of total strangers.

So the whole thing has soured my experience of this social network. And I feel guilty for possibly getting her in trouble with my overzealous play. So join me in trying not to jump boldly off the wagon to bury my guilt... (On the plus side, my right shoulder has been bugging me more from the increased computer play, so probably just as well I take a little break from the game...)

That was fun!

I took a hooping class with my sister Lisa today. What fun, and what an intense workout! I was sweating up a storm by the time we were done.

Yes, I am talking hula hoop here. The self-proclaimed "Mayor of Hooperville" was on hand to give 15 of us instruction on hooping. After a stretch, she taught us how to keep the momentum going, how to keep it up and get it back up (no comments from the peanut gallery), how to change direction, hoop on our hands, and even pass ourselves through the hoop. I had a blast, so much so that I ordered a hoop. Hopefully I won't break anything in my house when I hoop (it does run away at times from my enthusiasm, or maybe I'm projecting...) Already I feel complaints from muscles I have long since forgotten, and I am expecting bruises on the tops of my hands from the hand hooping.

The class reminded me that I love the challenge of learning movement, that I have trouble doing two things at the same time (walking while hooping, for example: hard...) and if I remember to add music to exercise it becomes much more like play than "work". Added bonus: I found the title to the elusive Jack Johnson song I heard once and could never pinpoint. Yay me!

And now for something completely different: a goal

With 2 short months until my 30th high school reunion, I have been trying, without much success, to climb back on the wagon. I'm all about talk and no do, but this time I might have a good idea. I found an interesting run/walk for October, and I'm going to sign up for it. It's a 10k walk over the Columbia River. Jason seems leery, but I think it's doable.

Activity is usually the last to happen for me and first to go once I get off track. What I'm missing is finding something I enjoy doing. Failing that, I'll take a goal or something to work up to. I can walk. During our meeting last weekend, the leader was talking this up. It is true: walking is cheap and easy and anyone can do it. She also suggested climbing stairs. I found out that I can only climb my stairs at home for about 2.5 minutes. Surely a summer of training will not only make the 10k doable, but lose me some weight, too.

I also am trying to not fall into the same things that end up sabotaging my motivation. My friend just rejoined WW, and we used to have this thing that after the meeting we'd workout, and then go to Starbucks. Needless to say, we weren't just having point-free coffee. So bad launch to the week. This time, instead of eating there, we're going to get a low point coffee and walk around the neighborhood by the WW meeting. Hopefully this will help both of us start the week on a more positive and helpful foot.

I'm on Facebook now!

So I think I'm going to put the kid-related stuff there instead of here.

Happy Birthday, Ethan!

Today was Ethan's party. It went pretty good. Had one no-show and one non-responder; 2 sets of parents stayed. The last kid is still here, but she was Kyra's friend assigned to kid wrangling, and she arrived late, so no biggie.

The lightsabers were a big hit, as were the inflatable ones for the little sisters. 2 kids took us up on the offer to wear a costume, so we had a storm trooper and a jedi knight.

I'm very disappointed to say that the cake looked fine despite being custom-designed. Yes, that is a strange comment, so I'll qualify it. Ever since I discovered the Cake Wrecks blog, I've been scheming for a situation where I can trick a decorator into messing up our cake order so I could send the resulting hilarious photos to Cake Wrecks. This even seemed tailor made for such a screw up, considering the bakery did not have a Star Wars-themed cake on hand. They did have a Darth Vader head (and as it turns out also an Anakin Skywalker head) so we agreed on Vader on top of a Star Trek cake. I was rather hoping it would be horrible. As it is, there were some inexplicable orange swoops surrounding Vader. Not sure what they represent, but not really that funny either. I'm sending a picture in anyway because you can never tell.

Danya wields her lightsaber while sharing a bean bag with Alba.

Ethan's new Luke Skywalker costume was cool but a bit big (hence the missing arm?? Not sure what he was doing here....)

OK, I'm not sure what the scenario in his mind was, but Ethan penned 2 notes imploring some cat to not...do some dire thing. It puts to mind a cat holding a .45, perhaps, but with what opposable thumb and how is he standing up?? Not sure, but it's kind of funny...

Horrible? No, horriblay!

What a dedicated mom I am, sacrificing myself to the fast food gods in order to provide "quality" entertainment to my kids. And of course, being sleepy, I didn't order my usual bottle of water but one of the fancy new coffee drinks from a certain McFastFood place. Let me just say this: OMG, this is sweet and somewhat disgusting. I got the iced mocha with hazelnut syrup and it is way too sweet, and has whipped cream and chocolate syrup drizzles, which go through the straw in chunks. Mmmmmm! At least Kyra likes it (and I'm not sure what that means exactly...)

My babies are growing up!

Ethan finally gets to ditch his 3-wheeler for a 2-wheeler (er...4-wheeler for now!)

Kyra sports a girlie hairstyle...until the ponytail started cutting off the circulation to her brain and giving her a headache. Oh well....

Lightsaber envy??

Hmmm.... Star Wars figures prominently on all of Ethan's activities lately.

Oh for a better camera (or a better photographer!)

In this age of Photoshop, I really should be embarrassed about the quality of this shot. Oddly enough, I am not. I guess it's borderline acceptable for the kids to shoot each other in theory rather than practice (and the darts stick to the glass better than to the kids anyway!) Ethan thought it was really funny to group shots around his sister's "privates", but I  nipped that in the bud by not taking pictures of that (and there are so many things wrong with that sentence...)

Paging Sally Miller....

Well I can't say it was a wasted day, but here it is coming on 4 in the afternoon and I have not gotten anything personal done. I have dealt with house stuff all day. First thing off was our installation appointment with Directv: yay, we have DVR now! But that took 4 hours (and it's not even complete: Jason damaged a cord for the internet downstairs and has to finish that piece of it). Next, now that that was a done deal, I called to cancel cable and add digital phone to our Comcast account. Once that was done I got to call our phone provider and ask them what the hell this new fee of $15 was for and who ordered it. And that's where it got weird.

Turns out Sally Miller ordered some voice mail via the internet service and added it onto our phone number. Hmmm... So how does that work?? Our number is public, not unlisted, and we have had it for almost 10 years now. Wouldn't you think they'd check? I'm really baffled. Thankfully I noticed this right away because I had a limit on how much my auto payment would fork over, and this new fee tripped that alarm, as it were. Now I don't know if this was a simple typo or some kind of a scam or identity theft in bloom. Kind of freaked out.

Odd coincidence is my daughter's computer identity is Sally Porcupine. On the off chance she accidentally signed up, still: how the hell would that happen. She clearly does not sound like anything other than a kid on the phone. Very weird.

Now I'm going to play with my new toy until Kyra gets home. I was making fast progress on my current quilt, but that was nipped in the bud with the arrival of my new TV toy. Sigh. Tomorrow is another day, and I have a week until the birthday party, so no worries.

Baby steps

So the topic for last week's meeting was the futility of trying to do anything, with the word "trying" being the problem. The theory (and even Yoda agrees with this) is that to try is to give yourself an out. If you try to do something or promise to try it's like the unspoken thought is "but...I may not be able to". Think about it: if your response to an invitation is "I'll try to make it" do you really want to go??? So the key is not to try, but to do. And if you don't do, it's because you don't want to deep down.

I knew last try at WW that I didn't really mean it. I remember one meeting when the leader asked us to raise our hands if we wanted to lose weight, and I thought to myself that I didn't really want that. So now, as I slip past my highest weight (ouch) and I try on summer clothes that don't fit, I need to want to lose weight, and I need to find a way to mean that.

I have a lot of intellectual reasons to lose weight: the way it makes me feel to be healthier, fitting into my clothes, being healthier, living longer, even "bragging rights". Knowing all the reasons for why I should lose weight is just like knowing I should floss more or I should get out there and be more social. It's a should and not a want. To me that just don't always equal action. So this time, if I want to be successful, I need to try something different. This time, I choose...vanity.

Why not? Vanity is one of the reasons I won't go swimming. Yes, every time I go to a pool I see hundreds of people in worse shape than me, people who really should rethink their bathing suit choices. But I am not them. I know it's vanity keeping me out of the pool. Or stubbornness (more on that another post). So maybe this time if I appeal to my vain side I can find the motivation to stay on program.

Last week I took little baby steps and lost 1.2 lbs. Yay me! This week I will work a little harder to stick to the plan. If I maintain this rate of loss, I will be about 20 lbs down by my HS reunion (hello, vanity). So that's my goal: to find that place in me that can do this; to get to a place where I want to lose weight. And when I find that, I will succeed because I know I can do it when I really want to.

Curse you, Comcast!!

I am so not  having fun with the upcoming digital conversion for TVs. It's not the national conversion that's the problem here. My TVs are fine. It's the fact that my cable provider is taking this opportunity to make some changes to their digital service. Overview: they're requiring digital converter boxes on all TVs in order to get any channel over 30 (in other words, all the good cable channels like Disney and CNN). This means that not only do we have to reconfigure our TVs to include these stupid boxes (we don't use a box currently) but we also lose the ability to record TV shows. The boxes don't play well with the digital converter boxes. The sales guys keep trying to sell my on how many more channels I'll be getting and how much on-demand and pay-per-view I'll be able to get (like that's of any value: we already have Netflix for movies).

I just got off the phone with my third cable guy. It was a 35 minute conversation. As nice as he was, this time I take Jason's view that it's 35 minutes of my life I won't ever get back. The best deal he could make us is $11 more than we'd pay if we switched to Direct TV. I'm pretty sure I know which way the wind is blowing now. Considering we're in for an afternoon of messing with our TVs, there is no loss for us to switch providers now. The up-side of this whole mess is getting DVR service: the ability to pause and rewind live TV, watch one channel and record up to 2 others, and justify the whole shebang as saving us money every month. Cool. That 35 minutes pays off.

Timing is Everything

Riddle me this: how is it that I can put Ethan to bed at 8:00 and it's hard for him to drag himself out of bed on time, yet if I move up his bedtime to 7:30, he wakes up 45 minutes early?? What's up with that?! Both yesterday and today he was up at 7:15. Before spring break, he was hard pressed to make it up by 8 come Friday. Sigh.

Still trying to get our nightly routine to allow for more Ethan-time, but dinner is still ending around 7 to 7:20, which is not enough time to do anything except rush the boy. Both Kyra and I are already annoyed at the lacrosse practice schedule, which happens at dinnertime on Tues. and Thurs. Haven't even had a game yet and she was trying to beg off practice this week. I told her no way considering how much it cost and how hard she begged. I don't want to get all "Remember when you tried ______ and you gave it up and we put all that money and time into it??" on her and not let her try new things, but on the other hand, we sort of can't afford to be experimental right now. Oh well...

Does this font make me look fat?

Looking for something springy. Out of nowhere it became warm today. Seize the moment (so unlike me, but hey...)

Wanted: a mother

So apparently the only way I can be held accountable for a really hard or overly challenging or somewhat boring task is guilt. Unless I am accountable to someone, some of my more spontaneous promises will just fall to the wayside. I think everyone has experienced one of my grand ideas that never gets off the ground. Well, payback is a bitch...

I am nearly done cutting out the pieces of the quilt I committed to make for my daughter's school auction. One week ago, I showed the winner bidder a number of ideas for what I thought were all easy-ish quilts, and now almost a week later I have yet to finish one block of this monsterish "intermediate" quilt. Actually, yesterday I gave up on making the sample block because A) I could see that the colors were working without finishing it and B) I slapped the pieces together without really following directions and ended up having to rip everything apart several times. Since I'd already shown that my seams were too narrow and that it pays to follow directions (sigh) what was the point in continuing? I actually bought more material than I need, so I have lots of wiggle room in case something else goes wrong. 

In the meantime, the monotony of tracing templates onto fabric and cutting them out is starting to get to my neck, my back and my mind. Calgon, take me away!!!! All that stands between me finishing up the last template shape is like 100 pieces (I'm sadly enough not exaggerating) and these 2 marking pencils that keep breaking when I sharpen them. Did you know it's really hard to find a good marking device for dark fabrics?? Me neither. I swear half the pencil has ended up in the trash after snapping off below the base of the pencil wood. It is not helping my mood. This project is going to make all the other quilts I do look like child's play in comparison. Hopefully it will be stunning. The recipient is not a sewer and I'm sure she'll be happy with the results. If I don't commit seppuku in the meantime, I'm sure I'll be proud of how it turned out and pleased that I was able to donate something meaningful to my daughter's school. Till then, back to the salt mines (bugger...)

They're gone now: yay!!

Ah, back to school! Taking advantage of everyone being gone by cleaning the cupboard of expired condiments. The genesis of this project came about over the weekend when I opened a "new" bottle of worcestershire sauce and noted that it's expiration date passed by over a year. Yipes! How the heck did that happen?! I felt compelled to try it, and it was in fact flat, so today after Jason left, I dumped it. Then I combed the fridge and cabinets for other expired products. The oldest was from 2003 (guess I didn't like that tandoori paste...) Some are suspect, but had no date so I left them alone. I know that I will eventually buy a new one anyway, but... just couldn't toss it. Aside from the recycling bin already being full of empty condiment bottles (I'm up to 11), I don't think I'll be stir frying soon (I have 2 old, partially full bottles of sesame oil and one unopened bottle of "wok sauce").

I feel better now. Well, aside from the burn in my lungs and the sting in my eyes when I was rinsing the tabasco and chili paste jars I feel fine.

Struggling to climb back on the wagon. To that end I was looking at recipes. I'm ostensibly preparing a shopping list, including the now depleted condiments, but I have the feeling I'm just dragging my heels. 

I started on that auction quilt and it turns out that it's quite complicated. So apparently the jump from "beginner" to "intermediate" is less of a few steps and more of a gaping crevasse. Most of the pieces have to be cut from patterns (yeah, I just didn't read ahead far enough when I suggested the pattern to the quilt buyer--sigh), and even the most careful pining doesn't seem to reduce ripping out seams and starting over. I'm making one block to make sure it looks good and will work out before I cut the whole thing out, and I'm halfway done. Dragging feet... Maybe I'll clean the fridge first... I told the lady I'd be done with piecing this week, so I know I should go down there and face it. Quilting it will be a piece of cake after all this marking and cutting.

"I hate spring break!!"

Actually, those are my sentiments exactly, but it was Ethan who said that. We made the mistake of letting the kids watch TV on Monday morning, so by Tuesday they already were expecting to watch it. Yesterday, we got a full-body face down on the floor tantrum, and that's when Ethan made his statement. 

Not helping: I got some weird pinched nerve thing in my back over the weekend, and today's the first day I don't have any twinges, so Jason's been doing some entertaining, which also means yard work in our house (it's a give and take situation). The original plan was for Jason and Kyra to go off to south-eastern Oregon on a backpacking trip, but after he saw that pretty much all the best places were surrounded by snow, that was not an option. I guess Ethan would have been happier had that occurred because honestly I was planning on letting him watch all the TV he could stomach.

Still, I don't want them to expect TV constantly on days off. That tends to lead to expectations. If I am forced to pick a kid up who is not really sick, I will say no TV, just rest, but if they stay home sick and are all listless, then they do get TV. I know: weird policy, but there you go, and I was a kid, too, once...

Strange boy

We are moving from Ethan looking at any new food suspiciously to this new Ethan who tries things based on dares or looks of revulsion on my face. This week the new breakfast treat is toast with peanut butter, nutella, jam and hummus. I agreed to do the first 3, but I put my foot down at adding the hummus, so Jason is on toast duty. Maybe I should employ hummus as a method to get Ethan to eat his salad....

An "I told you so" moment

So several months ago Jason injured his shoulder doing one of his sports. Being a guy, he self-treated with hot tubs and aspirin and heating pads. It ebbed and flow. He got to a point around xmas where he claimed it was all better. Well, last week he finally admitted that it was not, in fact, getting better, so he saw his doctor. His doctor said it was inflamed and referred him to a physical therapist. The PT game him some exercises to do and said he would be talking to the doctor about getting an MRI, that possibly there was some torn something or others that could need to be surgically fixed.

Biting tongue, biting tongue (and not at all excited about having a convalescent spouse around the house)....

But after the man superglued a cut on his chin and used a popsicle stick as a splint on his finger it's about time he actually seek a real doctor.... I'm just saying...

Pray like you've never prayed before...

Jason keeps having to take unpaid weeks off from work. Yesterday, day 1, he spent with his unemployed buddy doing pub crawls. All day. Today, after I specifically told him that I would be hopping in the shower when I returned from dropping Ethan off to school, he hopped in the shower when I got home. Grrrr!!! 3 more days of this....

We are the champions... kinda sorta

Our trivia team ("The Whole Fist"--no, I didn't pick it and it could be worse....) has won a prize at the annual trivia Clash of the Titans. We are not Titans, mind you. Our trophy is for "Best Bridesmaids", you know: getting close and occasionally winning, but mostly just showing up almost every week and getting average scores. Yay us... 

Speaking of which, last night we tied for 3rd and there were only like 8 teams playing. Sigh. 

Finished, more or less

Finally finished the website remodel I took on, er, 4 months ago. Well, it looks good and I'm quite pleased with it. It is a little buggy in Internet Explorer versions 4, 5.5 and 6 (grrrrr! Why can't everyone upgrade?!), but looks byoo-teeful in Safari and Firefox.

http://www.foothillssoccer.org/

Also check out the before: http://www.foothillssoccer.org/about.htm

Yes, he is a genius!

Ethan created this from mini marshmallows and toothpicks at after-school care. He intended to eat it, but after it sat on the counter for a couple of days, thankfully he forgot to.

My cat loves me, he really loves me (more salt, please!)

What's Worse?

That if you put your teeth in Gatorade and Coke for 3 days they will look like the above, or the fact that Jason saved his wisdom teeth??? Kyra's science fair project is to see what happens when teeth are left in liquids for a period of time. She is using Gatorade, Coke, lemonade and tap water. Surprisingly (to me, anyway), her tap water tooth weighed in at a tenth of a gram less yesterday, after 3 days of the study. She's doing 6 days total.

So if you've ever gone to bed without brushing your teeth after drinking one of these beverages, be warned!

Benefits about being overweight

I have been looking into to some self-help books on eating disorders lately, looking for something to help me break my own cycle of overeating and perhaps share with "others" who have their own issues. I came across the "Overcoming Overeating" site. Now, I did this program a while ago and it worked to a certain extent. The premise was that in order to take away the thrill or whatever of overeating, all you have to do is work to get rid of the pejorative labels of "good" and "bad" food. If you savor a food, if you don't make it seem like it's limited and that you will be deprived if you don't have it, then it will lose it's mystique and you won't crave it as much.

To a certain extent this worked. Certainly my binges since then haven't been as intense or uncomfortable, but I do still binge. I still am working on having a normal relationship with food, whatever that is. But mostly the part of the Overcoming Overeating program that I couldn't wrap my brain around was the self-acceptance part. In order for it to work, you just have to love and accept yourself as you are. It's not about weight loss, it's about acceptance, and through that you won't overeat because you won't need the comfort that comes from food; you will be able to comfort yourself in healthier ways. Right. So that's where they lost me.

I am more than overweight, I am in fact obese, according to my BMI and all the weight charts. Being obese is a risk factor of heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes and a host of other issues. When I am overweight, I have limited range of motion; I have trouble doing physical activities; I have trouble sleeping (sleep apnea and snoring are problems of the obese). And of course, when I'm obese I hate my body. OK, so maybe I could just get over that, and maybe I should, but even if I were to do that it wouldn't change the fact that being overweight is not as healthy as being in a suitable weight for my height.

I know I can't ever be model thin. I don't actually want to be. And as my husband says, why would I ever want to be? Still, there are many good reasons to not be obese, which I am right now. So it's hard for me to jump on a bandwagon that promotes enhancing your self-esteem over losing weight (OK, I'm over simplifying...) I know (theoretically) that I am more than my weight/shape/body, and I know that my life won't suddenly be all sunshine and flowers when I reach my goal weight. (Well, there is some question about that, considering it's been so long since I've weighed that low: maybe it is all sunshine and flowers.... just kidding) Unfortunately, the benefits of being a healthier weight aren't as concrete as the benefits of eating something yummy.

Anyway, my point in this post is to mention some of the lesser known problems of being obese, like cracked feet. My husband was talking about cracked feet the other day and he said it was a fungal thing. Naturally I wanted to contradict him, (what, you don't do that?) so I looked it up. Turns out one cause of cracked feet skin is weight gain. Now, of course I can't remember what my feet used to look like, and I've been this weight before, so my cracking feet may be due to something else. Whatever it takes, baby: I'm losing weight so my feet get smoother! Now that is a goal I can get behind!

Intentions 0, reality 1

So lately I am having a girl's night out every Sunday. This is much needed, however the fallout is lack of control over bedtime the day before Monday. Last night Ethan went to bed at 9 (one hour late) and Kyra went to bed on time, however "someone" allowed her to have a caffeinated beverage right before bedtime, so she couldn't get to sleep until after midnight.

Today...I picked up Ethan early hoping for some nice one-on-one time to work on his Valentines (due tomorrow, inexplicably). Well, it wasn't nice. Tired boy thought following instructions and writing his name "over and over" was just too taxing, so there was yelling and mulish behavior all around. Jeez, even when I try to make the circumstances more ideal, things just don't always work out. So I'm taking a time out now to chill out before working on dinner. Just another therapy opportunity...

It's finished!

Believe it or not, Kyra was very excited. I got several spontaneous hugs in thanks. At least one of my kids likes my quilts...

Freeze motha... er, Mother....

Ethan had some post xmas money to spend and he bought himself an FBI kit. It didn't include the glasses. Still, not bad for $7.00, and that hat will fit him forever....

Greetings from the Windy City

No, I'm not traveling, it's just that Portland has been experiencing some rather rough winds lately. Our power went out on Saturday just as we were sitting down to dinner and movie. The power outage was limited to our neighborhood with just about 2,000 folks effected. When I went to the gym the next morning (and saw many branches littering the road as well as some power lines leaning further into the road than I was comfortable with), we had another one. That time it was many more people effected. I came home and was not able to open my garage door. The power was off for an additional hour. Knock on wood, that was the excitement for the week. Amusing kids with no power can be more difficult.

Last week, we watched Spiderman 2 with Ethan. He enjoyed it, making it the 3rd big people's movie that he's sat through without being distracting. He commented last night while brushing his teeth how Spiderman is still a kid and how unlikely it should be that he overpowered an adult such as Doc Ock. Dangerously, I told him that age and power are not always equal (well, we have had to argue with him that age and height have no logic either, but that's another story).

As for me, no comment on how I'm doing weight-wise, if only not to jinx myself. Obviously, I'm still reading Jane Austen-esque novels...

Curses! Foiled again!

OK so bragging: bad idea. I went downhill from that point on. 2 bakery shop binges later, and I gained a half pound this week. Sigh. Crap!

It's not like I was so restrictive all week and the binges were the result of that deprivation. No, it was probably a combination of depression and premature celebration. I felt down all week, and then Wed. I had a webinar about resumes, the result of which I felt worse about myself. So along with the food binges, I also had movie binges (Pride and Prejudice times two: both the Keira Knightly version as well as the Colin Firth marathon version).

But at least it was just 1/2 lb, and that could be just a dehydration thing because I did not have enough water the last couple of days. At any rate, new week and new opportunity to stick with program. You know how you can't be "kind of pregnant"? Well, program is a bit more forgiving occasionally, and you can lose from time to time while not being all "letter of law" about things, which of course makes it harder to actually do program right. I keep snacking on good things and I am hungry. I have a feeling it's not real hunger, but you'd be hard pressed to convince my stomach...

Mid-week check

Wow! 3 more days of the week to go and I've still only used 11 of my 35 bonus points. Yay me! Yesterday I suddenly started getting some bad thoughts, seemingly out of nowhere, but I squelched them. Must've helped to have had a dream the night before of me with incredibly baggy pants. Can't get any bag in my pants if I stay the same weight or gain, now can I??

I bought a candy bar yesterday and just now ate it. Now I just need to get past the mysterious call from my doctor's office: the nurse called to follow up, and she left the message Monday. They were out of the office yesterday and now we're playing phone tag. It's got me a bit buggy. I'm assuming it's to do with my mammogram and having to have one mid-year in addition to the regular one, but still... Did I get the results of my pap?? Was there something else I should worry about????? So many trigger situations to get over...

Something I wish I had video-taped was the other night when Ethan spontaneously started dancing to the music from iTunes. It was the love song from Enchanted, and all of the sudden he starts twirling and kicking up his legs and doing arms and arching his back. O-M-G it was SO hilarious!!! Add to that the fact that he's so macho all the time and more typically is doing kung fu moves. I about died (in a subtle, not to get him self-conscious kind of way). Future "America's Got Talent" contestant or what?

Dodged yet another bullet

I really must stop taking my luck for granted. Finally went to a WW meeting on Saturday and discovered my snow binges and lack of exercising only gained me 2 ounces. Phew! Well, it wasn't entirely luck: I did make some healthy choices here and there in between the baking (and subsequent eating) sprees. So yay, me! Now here I am almost halfway through my WW week and I've used 11 of my 35 extra points. No bakery trips yet. I worked out today, and as usual didn't have anything to eat before going, but thanks to my not over-indulging last night, that meant my "tank" was on empty, and I barely made it through my workout. I fantasized about food (read: sweets) all the way home, and then had a glass of ice water before having my new favorite breakfast: sliced banana with high fiber yogurt and a couple of tablespoons of granola on top. More yay me. Now I'm going to try to stay too busy to think about food.

I worked out my usual chart of potential weight loss and I can lose between 20 to 50 lbs by the end of the year, depending on how I stick to it. It sure would be nice to be slimmer this summer for my 30th (?!!?? Holy crap, where did the time go?!) High School reunion. Needless to say, I'm only going if I weigh at least 25 lbs less than I do now....

The Worst Day Ever!

When I picked Ethan up from school yesterday, he complained that he had the worst day in his whole life! Gee, sorry to hear about that, buddy! And what, you might ask, was so bad?? Well, people were mean to him, they blamed things on him, and he got hit in the face during dodge ball. His friend Tyler gloated about it (gee, that sounds so familiar...oh yeah: Ethan does that all the time, too!) When asked what would help make the bad day turn better, of course TV was the answer. Well, that I could do. Scooby Doo, where are you?!

Finally!

On Sunday, in the afternoon, just a half day before school began again for the rest of the Winter session, it began to snow. My first thought was "Crap! Not again!!!" My second thought was to confer with the oracles of weather. They were not freaking out, which was odd for them (perhaps they, too, were sick of being snow bound with increasingly cranky kids...) And in a lovely reversal, we went to bed with a blanket of snow all over the houses, trees and driveways and awoke to just an average, dismal rainy Oregon morning. Phew!

So one of my resolutions this year is to finish my projects started last year. What a change it would be to complete a quilt during the same fiscal year it was first conceived! Well, that hasn't happened yet, but I have hopes... Yesterday I sandwiched Kyra's new twin/full quilt and got a couple of blocks stitched. Man, that thing is bulky! Today I spent a bunch of time looking at alternative ways of getting this done. I think I've already decided that I want to do only small pieces unless I can borrow a thing called a "HandiQuilter", a system by which you put your sewing machine in a device and move the machine instead of the quilt, which is rolled neatly on these rollers instead of being bunched and pushed through the tiny opening of my machine. Or maybe next time I'll just send it to be quilted.... This is my least favorite part. I like doing the borders and the free motion quilting. I suppose if I were smart I'd do free motion all over it, but there would still be bunching. I will have to revise my notion of doing a queen sized quilt for my room. That or try out the "quilt as you go" concept.

As for my other "weightier" resolution, so far it is hit or miss. I spent a lot of time in my sewing room yesterday instead of snacking, on one hand, and doing stuff like ironing and laying out my quilt and pining it, so that was labor-intensive. On the other hand, I made break and bake cookies and ate some. Sigh. Today I intend to do more quilting (I just did the other 3 squares in the middle row; just 5 more rows of 6 across left to do.... Ack!) but I'm also toying with the idea of baking. I was thinking of making snickerdoodles with chocolate chips, or rather chocolate chip cookies with cinnamon, whichever. Would they be chipper doodles? Or snicker chips? Hmmm.... And how not to eat them all before everyone comes home. 

I was having an interesting conversation with one of my sisters the other day. She is thinking of joining WW. She want to lose like 20 lbs, but that would be well below the weight chart. If she goes by what WW says someone her height should weigh, she would only need to lose 13 lbs. Do I encourage her or not? She was saying that she is still working on her bulimia and is now mostly doing it just "recreationally". I don't get that, although I suppose eating just for the sake of doing something probably is the same thing except without the vomiting afterwards. It occurred to me that the hardest thing for her would be to eat all the points for each day. I can see  her trimming off a few just to speed up the process, but WW is all about not doing things in a speedy and unhealthy manner. Anyway, she was bemoaning the fact that she is not as thin as our other two sisters and she is tired of being the "chubby one". I'm sorry: that's my role, not hers! 

But her envy of my other two sisters is the unhealthy thing. I suppose I would be lying if I said I didn't envy it, too, in a way. I hate taking pictures with my sisters because I do look so big in comparison, and it's hard not to compare when you are side by side. I don't want to look emaciated by any means. Would I be happy if I were normal sized? What is normal?

I'm at a loss at how to help my sister when I can't help myself. I can't make her snap out of her habits and behaviors anymore than I can get myself to do it. Sigh...