System failure!

We've finally started to thaw, so snow is rapidly becoming watery and slushy. Yay! But the kids created these gi-normous snowmen the other day; I took pictures of them and...my memory card died! The snowmen already fell over. Oh well. 

Another victim of the weather: we went out yesterday in Jason's car. It's a modified VW GTI lowered with high profile tires, so it basically has no clearance underneath. He was driving over some hideous snow drifts and kept, like, surfing over them. Finally last night, when we were on our way to friends' house for dinner, we turned a corner and heard an ungodly grinding/scraping noise. We parked it in a parking lot (and the friend provided chauffeur service). Turned out it was some obsolete protective stuff that he's been systematically taking out the hard way via speed bumps, and now, snow. It was hanging off the undercarriage by one bolt.

Last (hopefully), but not least, when he went to try to get my car out of the garage, the battery was dead. It's the original battery, but still, heck of a time to die, dude. Sigh....

Bah whatever...

Kyra commented tonight that she was worried that she wasn't looking forward to Christmas this year, which was sad to her because it's her favorite. Not sure if it's the snow-bound thing or being isolated from friends or the duplicate gift her dad got her for her birthday (she cried about feeling bad that her dad did that, too--we are so heading into the land of hormones here!) Anyway, I concur. Not sure if it's depression due to unemployment or the economy or being snow-bound here and able to only buy stuff online, but I am so over the holidays. We aren't even sure any of us will be mobile enough to celebrate together with other family.

One possible cool thing: I designed a tee shirt for Jason based on his martini recipe. I'll post a picture if it turns out nice. I uploaded my design to a website and got to choose what to put it on. Very cool... Hopefully my martini glass doesn't look cheesy. My olive is very cool looking.

Here's how the whole "weight loss" thing has been going since being home.

I made brownies, a banana layer cake with cream cheese frosting, cream of broccoli soup (with 1% milk, no cream), and tonight a whole wheat veggie lasagna.

I tried my new Bollyarobics DVD. It was.... weird, and I ended up pulling something in my back. Didn't feel like taking a walk, probably because hardly anything is open. Tomorrow we have Kyra's appointment to get braces, so we'll take the bus and do some shopping downtown. That will be a good walk.

Is this impressive or what?

The picture on the top is the snowman the kids built on Thursday. The other picture is what it looks like today (note the dazed bird who tried to fly through our window). Note how there were patches of slush before. Sigh. Snow expected all week. We tried to both get my car up the driveway yesterday and buy chains for my car, but neither attempts took. It seems a 45 degree slope trumps all wheel drive. And my tires are the wrong size to allow chains on my car, or something. It's a bit weird. Something about the clearance.

Still no tree and I guess I have to complete my xmas shopping online, provided UPS can deliver stuff. Good thing Jason was able to do some shopping yesterday in his trusty and small VW GTI.

Grrrrrr!

Yes, more snow, just when I thought it was safe to go in the car, too. The emergency school system phone at 5:50 this morning to let us know that school would be delayed by 2 hours. Needless to say, I couldn't get back to sleep after that, plotting and worrying about xmas shopping. Then around 9 it started snowing again. Oh well... It will be a cheaper holiday if I have to do it all online.

Save me!

Day 3 of Winter Wonder Hell. No school again tomorrow, and more snow due. The kids are already bored of playing outside and have moved on to irritating each other. Sigh. I am so not on program this week... Warm front, anyone??

A colder level of hell...

Yes, I am the worst mommy in the world. Yesterday we had what we Portlanders refer to as "a blizzard" (known to those in the Mid West as "a typical winter day", so today was a snow day. Wait: yesterday was a snow day! Don't I get credit for time served?!  

Snow is all fine and good until you have to drive in it. And then there's snow "play". It's all fun and games until someone gets hit with a snow ball. Kyra was a better sport about that, considering Ethan's deadly aim and her not so precise aim. So he was the only one whining when he finally got hit with snow. His retaliation, however, was to knock over part of her painstakingly erected snow fort. This seemed a bit pyrrhic considering she retaliated back. They built these things by filling empty cat litter buckets with snow and lifting them to the deck with a hose nozzle.

So today Kyra had an orthodontic appointment. No way I'm going to drive in snow (yes, good thing it only snows once or twice a year here), so Jason and his snow tires drove us there. Surprisingly, most patients did make it there, so we were unable to get in early. Unfortunately, only one tech was in, so the wait was a bit long. Then onto the light rail and then a bus and then a walk home. I hadn't even had a shower or breakfast (trying to stay on the wagon by avoiding pastry), so I was a bit cranky... But the kids were both picking on each other all the way home and I made them both take a time out when we got home. 

Considering it's like 20 degrees out and very icy, we're probably due for more of the same tomorrow, god help us. I may have to hide somewhere and let them have run of the house. Sigh. Couldn't the snow have waited until next week? Or after I finished my xmas shopping????

Do-overs, family style

I forget where I got it, but my latest strategy for talking Ethan off of metaphorically dangerous mood ledges is the idea of pushing a reset button and starting fresh. I say I like the idea because it isn't exactly working well with Mr "I'm determined to be naughty and in a bad mood and I will talk myself into some serious consequences whether I realize it or not, SO THERE!" It works at Defcon 4, but anything higher and he just doesn't get that it is his behavior that is escalating the bad vibes. When, oh when, is logic going to start showing it's little tiny head to my boy?? Just not at being able to reason with him. And it usually starts by me just correcting him, then quickly explodes into me making him sad or mad with my comments. Somehow, it's always my fault (and this is definitely nurture....)

But I digress. Anyway, since I started hauling myself back on the weight loss wagon, Weight Watchers chose this week to launch some new tweaks to their program. Since I am back to my starting weight, and I noticed an actual reset button in WW's eTools, I was faced with a decision: do I clear out the past 5 (?!?) years of ups and downs, including my reaching goal in 2005, and start clean, or do I keep the past around to alternately goad me or taunt me, depending on my mood?? Ultimately, today I decided to make a clean sweep. The last time I started losing weight after gaining it all again, I felt a sense of falseness about celebrating my loss. Outwardly I wasn't punishing myself for gaining the weight back, but my actions of not allowing anyone to "recelebrate" spoke louder than words. So this time I want to treat every pound like it really is: a success, a victory against my old adversary "Fat". Go, Me!

Grrrr! Fell in the trap again!

Curse you, Sesame Donuts! Why on earth did I think this was a good week to try you?! I don't usually even like donuts. 

I know the first one was OK: I still had some flex points and I was out of money, so I could only get one. It was pretty yummy.  But sometime after that, after the 2nd two, I started buying into the "Last Binge before starting" myth. Next week, WW is launching some new twist to the plan. I hadn't been thinking consciously that I would wait to get on the wagon then, that I would have one last hurrah before getting serious. Apparently, my sub-conscious had other ideas, and they involved donuts. Lots of donuts. And unfortunately, coincidentally, the best donuts I've had in years. Yes, better than Krispy Kreme (which, incidentally, I think suck). Sesame Donuts is run by a Lebanese couple. The guy's pretty funny. But they have their raised donut recipe perfect, and the crullers are just to die for. I've gotten bavarian creme out of my system, and the actual sesame donut is good, but a cake donut, which is not all that yummy to me. It's the crullers and filled donuts that are the problem. I had 4 yesterday. Sigh. So of course I'm up today.

OK, so is that all out of your system now, chiquita?? One would hope... I am looking forward to checking out the launch of the WW site tomorrow and getting a preview of things to come. I am hoping to get some kind of exercise every day this week. I even have some notion of cleaning up my sewing room. I do need more interview clothes, and I found a pile of patterns the other day that I still really like, along with material to make one. So all I have to get through is measuring myself and figuring out which size to make. If I can get through that objectively, without launching into another pity party of despair over how I've gotten so off track weight-wise, then I will be pleased with myself next week.

At least I'm still ahead by .4 lbs...

Karma?

So I'm thinking that in a past life I was in prison or was a homeless person or perhaps a goat because I've always hoarded my food and eaten it very quickly. Today I almost went too far with that. I was scarfing down frosted flakes (well, it was better than chocolate or cookies as a treat) and one went down the wrong way. I still feel not totally right in my throat, but I had a panicky little moment of freaking out that I'd choke and be caught in the act, after the fact, of eating my kids' cereal.

I can't tell you how often recently I've done this. Just the other day it was tangerine. Sometimes it's soup. Alternately, I'll chew so fast that I bite my lip. Well, the biting thing started after I had my braces removed (a mere 10 years ago: yes, I am a late bloomer...) But I really do need to learn how to eat properly, nutrition aside.

Is there a class in rendering CPR to yourself??

Right of passage

Today was my first kid-free day in over a week. Just 2 more weeks until the kids are home for the holidays, too. December is an odd month... So I settled down and tackled money issues, specifically the flexible spending accounts we have for health and dependent care money. We already realized that this year, instead of setting up a "health savings" account which rolls over indefinitely, we set up ("we"...) the normal use it or lose it health account. So I've been working on getting balances to see what we have at stake. Today I did some more refills. Still, we stand to lose, best guess, about half the money, which is a CHUNK of change, let me tell you. I have to get an accounting of what the mammogram will cost, but aside from that we will still have a lot of money at stake.

Poor Kyra....

The fastest way to use up that money is braces. I hadn't planned on starting them this year, especially with me still unemployed. However, if it means not losing close to $2000, sounds like the right time to start to me. I called our orthodontist and the wonderful woman I spoke to took pity on me and agreed to get the ball rolling in 2 weeks. The records appointment is first, and the first painful appointment will be 2 days after Kyra's birthday, 3 days before xmas.

So on top of not getting a WII, on not getting a new bike, on probably not even getting more than $100 worth of gifts, the poor kid is going to be in pain. Sigh....

I'm a loser!

Down 1.6 even after Turkey Day! Yay me!

Goals for the week: water, exercise, and count non-Core points. Can we do this? Yes we can!

Genetics: the gift that keeps on giving

For the past few years, my after Thanksgiving tradition has not been to shop the day after, but to get a mammogram. Booking the day is ridiculously easy since not a lot of people think to go during a holiday (or maybe they just sleep in). This was my 4th mammogram (yes, I did miss a few since turning 40...), but nothing has been the same since my biopsy last year.

The women in my family share the bond of having fibrocystic breasts. It's the kind of thing that you can ignore as white noise until it affects you, which is what I've always done until last year. Then of course I grilled my sisters about their biopsies (all 3 have had them). And now that the fuss of sharing is over, we're back to the white noise part. I didn't even bring up my appointment during dinner last night. Today while waiting for my turn, and then waiting for another turn, and finally waiting for an ultrasound, I had sort of a resolved calm about it. I was more freaked out last year. And hearing that it was fine, but having to go in for an ultrasound was a mixed message that didn't really appease me.

I suppose I should just count myself lucky that it took 46 years to get to the place where genetics started to show up. All my mammograms have been digital rather than x-ray, and that is what prevented me from being aware of the state of my boobs. I've always had calcifications, but until they started looking a bit different last time, my third mamm, the doctors were content to just keep an eye on them. My one sister isn't as lucky. With her insurance, she has standard mamms and has had 3 biopsies already. I've turned my other local sister on to my digital imaging center. She has crappy insurance that doesn't cover silly things like women's health, and it's made her a bit gun-shy, as it were, about going for another mammogram. In fact I better check up on her and make sure she followed through like she said she would...

There are so many other genetic things that could be wrong with my family: I know in many ways we're really lucky. Breast cancer is not one of them, but fibrocystic breasts is sort of like the ugly step sister of  problems: mostly benign, but a hell of a pain in the ass....

Survivor of the holidays!

I made it through Thanksgiving! I slaved over the meal and the turkey was pretty damned good. I brined it in kosher salt and creole seasoning, and then roasted it with herbs, onions and garlic--and 3 sticks of butter (I'm waiting to tell my sisters about the butter: I'm so mean!) I searched and searched for tarts for dessert, since I didn't want tempting leftovers hanging around and circumventing my restart to Weight Watchers. After a morning dicing and chopping and sauteing, I ended up stuffing so bad that I tossed it after everyone left. The really ironic thing is my excuse for making stuffing this year was to have it moister than last year's. That mine was even dryer while being spicy was just plain embarrassing. After the fact, I realized it was because I followed the recipe to the letter. When I made it in the past, I didn't use actual cornbread (it is, after all, supposed to be cornbread stuffing), and that would go to explain what went to heinously wrong. Jason also over salted the gravy, but I don't do gravy so that faux pas didn't bother me as much. The turkey was a bit on the salty side, and I will certainly cut down the salt in the brine next time (the recipe was for a 16 lb bird, but mine was only 12). It also called for 2 tablespoons of salt after the brining, which I cut in half.

Things to remember for next time: salt it outside of the roasting pan. And I had to admit it, but our expensive non-stick roaster is not suited for deglazing the pan for the gravy, so I may have to get another one for just turkeys. After I get a job....

My exceptional children

End of the fall school conferences tonight. Phew! With Kyra in middle school, we had our first teacher-fest-o-rama, by which we spoke to all of her teachers for "10" minutes each. We ended up speaking at least twice that with her science and math teachers. Kyra got straight A's on her first report card with letter grades. All her teachers were very pleased with her and gushed all over the place.

I was a little worried about Ethan's first conference, needlessly. His teacher is very sharp and very good at personalizing each contact. She, too, gushed about Ethan's enthusiasm and artistic ability (although Jason and I were stumped at what she meant: overly critical or ??) She said he was on track overall but could use some work on phonemes. She also said one of his table-mate's parents reported that he is mean to their daughter, but she never caught him doing it. I'm thinking: hmmmm.... sounds somewhat believable. Aside from that, the teacher says he's helpful and social and easily correctible (I must admit I'm going to try the trick she shared on getting him back on task).

So 2 school days off and 4 more to go, plus the weekend. Sigh. What will I threaten once we see "Bolt" tomorrow??

And the weight....

Well, down a half lb, back to my old all-time high weight. I'm doing better tracking this week, and I've already worked out 3 times and had 2 walks. I'm not too worried about Thanksgiving. Turkey upsets my stomach, and the stuffing will, too, between the red peppers and the wheat gluten. We'll see if that helps me not overeat. I'll be getting fat free cool whip for the pie. Then back on program the next morning. I'm trying to feel hopeful rather than bummed or pissed off that I have to start over again. This is something I did, it was not done to me. I can't point fingers and it's pointless to castigate myself, so just move on. This, too, shall pass, and this time maybe it'll stick!

Little Boy Blue and his scary mask

Jason was John McCain for Halloween, and last night at our Ginfest 2008 party Ethan decided to scare us all by wearing the mask. I laughed so hard I almost was incontinent. I couldn't find my camera last night, so today Ethan put the mask on again. He shows his party colors in his blue apparel.

Arrrr, matey!

As I said, last night was Ginfest 2008, an annual (so it seems) party where Jason gets to finally use all the gin he owns and make tasters of different drinks without having to consume them all himself. He found many friends willing to be guin...er, tasters for this event. I was not one of them. Instead, my sister Lisa and I watched a Bollywood movie upstairs. This was probably the best party of ours we've ever had (or was that merely because I abstained from hostessing it and hid from all the people??? er....) 

Anyway, I found the movie, Kal Ho Naa Ho, at a local Indian store. The shop keeper said I could buy the original or a copy. I chose the copy, and it was probably a mistake. For one, it was a pirated copy, so bad me for eluding copyright laws. Also, the subtitles were HORRIBLE: white on white and delayed at least one line from what the current actor was saying. Anyway, I told the kids I bought a pirated movie, and Ethan insisted on watching it with us. I let him, for some reason probably to do with the path of least resistance. Surprisingly he watched the whole thing, all 2.5 hr+ of it (and he only had one time out for sticking Lisa with a paper yo-yo). Afterwards he commented, "There were no pirates in that." Well yes, duh. Lots of scenery chewing, cheesiness, and songs, but alas, no pirates. Perhaps that would have taken the movie from 2.5 stars to 3. Or not... Today, perhaps inspired by the movie, Ethan says he wants to be a pirate next year for Halloween. Only 363 shopping days left to buy his costume...

One small step at a time

Positives this week:

• Did not buy any candy for trick or treaters: got Halloween yogos instead (so the kids could eat the leftovers)
  
• Worked out three times
  
• No pints of ice cream!
  
• Didn't bake anything
  
• Didn't go crazy on the kids' candy last night
  

Like I said, small steps. And of course I'd like to lose a bit more than a half pound per week, but I still have a foot trailing off the wagon. There was some regular rice eaten this week instead of brown rice, no points counted all week again, and I keep not drinking enough water. Still, baby steps are better than apathy and ice cream. I have done this before and can do it again. Yay me!

Exercise your civic duty: Vote!

Proudly canceling at least half of my husband's votes since 1995.

Do you get to do early voting? Have you done so yet? Why the hell not?? What's wrong with you?

Oops! Tangent here directed at (fellow) procrastinators! I finally cracked open my Voter's Guide today and did my duty. I will still get to bite my nails another 5 (?!?!?) days, but at least I won't be rushed when making decisions.

Take the time to read your state and local measures carefully. Some of them can be worded very confusingly, and you may end up voting Yes to something you wouldn't do knowingly. Here in Oregon, we have a bunch of measures proposed by this guy Bill Sizemore. I read through the arguments in favor and opposing his measures and they are indeed a slippery slope of confusing wording. 

I voted against a measure to do away with building permits that I know my husband will vote yes for. If you take it at face value it does seem like it's cutting a layer of bureaucracy from making home improvements, but... I think in the end the permits are there for a reason. I looked the other way for our recent improvements, and they had a potential to be really quite stupid if they hadn't worked (namely the support beam we put in the basement: that could have gone quite wrong). And while it is true we were fixing something that was done dangerously and wrong in the first place, it still gives me nightmares. We experienced the permitted way to do remodeling, and while it is true that some of the inspections were basically lip service more than detailed actual inspections, I do believe that permitting has its role. As written, I don't support the measure. Tighten up the wording and I may agree (it does seem dumb to require a permit to build a fence, but wiring and plumbing should probably be left to professionals. No offense, honey!)

Burn After Reading

Have you seen this movie? It's kind of funny, kind of weird. At the very least, it's an interesting look into the lengths one woman will go in order to afford some cosmetic surgery on her "flaws". Now, if I had her figure, I would be happy, but I know it's all in your perspective. She was SOOOOO not fat, but there was a really funny description of her belly fat that I related to (and of course can't remember). Grass=greener, and all that....

There are times that I wish I were a guy...

Guys just seem to have a healthier attitude about their self-image (or perhaps they're just more deluded than chicks are). You just see a lot of guys going around who are...chubby and just don't seem to care or notice. Not fitting in that shirt? Who cares, or conversely, just buy a bigger size. Today while I was shopping I sure wished I had more of a guy's attitude about the whole thing.

I was on the hunt for a new jacket to wear with my current interview outfits. I just wanted a simple black jacket that was a bit classier than a blazer, something a bit fitted but buttonable, and nothing too trendy or fussy. You would think that I'm asking for a lot considering the crap that is out there! I felt like I was in an episode of "I Love Lucy" where Lucy is wearing maternity swing tops. Lots of poofy sleeves and not fitted lines and short or three-quarter sleeves. Well, actually I started to like the 3/4 sleeves: my best interview dress is short sleeved, so I can get away with that. Other ugly trends: belted jackets, heavy jackets made of really textured wool.

One problem I was having was, bluntly enough, my boobs. OK, two problems, if you must get all picky on me. Somehow I have managed to still fit in my current size even though I'm at my high weight. Usually I would be an 18 at this weight. Kind of weird, actually. So trendy clothing doesn't come in this size, normally. Ann Taylor tops out at 14. Nordstrom's fancy department topped out at 12. Not wanting to get stuck in the jackets, I didn't even bother trying on anything under a 14. I ended up with a very comfortable one button black jacket (size 16) on sale for well under $100. Considering the crap I saw for upwards of $500, not a bad deal at all. It's kind of a bolero style with full length sleeves and a crepey texture to it. Nice.

Anyway, after an afternoon of a lot of rejects and a lot of peering at myself in mirrors, you would expect some kind of fallout, but no. I'm doing OK. No treats were purchased on the way out of the mall, not even a little one. Yay me!

Other good choices

More things I did right this weekend:

• I stopped eating when I got full at dinner Sat. night, even after viewing the dessert menu (which included a truly intriguing almond ice cream).
• I refrained from buying anything sweet at the store on the way home, also.
• I had just one goodie while at the pumpkin patch store: I was sorely tempted to get a caramel apple to go and I didn't. (OK, I am obsessing a bit over recreating that in the future, but whatever...)
• I didn't order anything to eat at trivia last night, despite it all smelling really yummy, because I just wasn't hungry (that may have had something to do with my pumpkin patch treat not agreeing with me: I really need to think harder about getting tested for food allergies!)
  

• I was super hungry even after dinner later, but all I had for dessert was pretzels.
• I worked out this morning and had a hard-boiled egg for breakfast.
  

So we'll see what giving myself pats on the back instead kicks in the ass will net me for motivation and self esteem...

PS: "The Quibblers" ranked second at trivia last night on our maiden trip as a team. I was a heavy hitter for the team, I'm proud to say.

New day, new mantra

Every day is a new opportunity to be the person you really want to be.

Or something like that. I thought of that on the way home (or I heard it somewhere and I'm taking credit for it). Either way, it is true. I went to WW this morning and weighed in after about 5 weeks off the wagon. Let's just say sigh. Let's just say this is either another reason for me to punish myself or a new day where anything is possible.

Don't laugh so hard. Just because I can always see the dark scary potential of situations doesn't mean I don't have any optimistic or idealistic streaks in me.

Anyway, here's a list of good choices I've made so far today:

• I worked out for 30 minutes
  
• I had 2 hard-boiled eggs and a half a grapefruit for breakfast
  
• I've had 2 glasses of water so far
  
• I went to WW and stayed for the meeting
  

See, I can skip the "but" part or mention the things I did today that I'm not as happy about, but I won't.

You know, when I get really depressed I turn inward. Every delay of a promise or responsibility eats at me until I'm totally hiding and the delayed thing starts to matter to someone other than myself, like a bill paid late. But I was thinking today about things that are out of my control, like the weather, for example, and things that are in my control. I may not be able to control whether I have a craving, but I do have control over whether I give in to the craving or not. I can't make an employer give me a job, but I can control my resume, my knowledge and how I present myself.

I am more than overdue for some soul searching...

Fashion Emergency

I got pulled over by the fashion police yesterday but managed to just get a warning. I had a job fair, and I have been actively avoiding my closet full of dressy  girl clothes. After weeks of on again/off again poor food choices (read: binges) have certainly not helped my physique. So needless to say, when I brought out my usual interview standbys, just one hour before leaving, neither of them fit and one of my jackets is actually dissolving. Hmmmm. I didn't think synthetics did that. Still, wouldn't have fit with or without chunks missing. I managed to cobble together a passable outfit (to which my son exclaimed "You look funny, mommy--too girly!" I am not helping either child have a normal view of adult women, I guess.

So here I am still jobless (the fair was a waste of time, after all that), and in need of a good interview outfit. Do I buy something right off in the size I am, or wait until I have an interview on the chance that I actually stay on program and lose a bit of weight? Decisions, decisions....

More triggers

So this week has been pretty productive so far. I've applied for like 5 or 6 jobs, including double apps through 2 agencies (I know, but going with one agency didn't net results last time either). I registered for a job fair next month. And I started trying to learn Illustrator, for like the zillionth time.

O-M-G!!!!

So if the lack of responses from all the resume activity doesn't send me binging, not getting simple instructions for tutorials surely will send me into a serious downward spiral!!

Yes, I can read instructions, and I am noticing that the "Classroom in a Book" instructions, aside from being for  a previous version of Illustrator, are not quite complete. So I know it's not just me. But man! This is soooooo frustrating! I just tried this one online tutorial and I've stepped through it several times, and my results are not as pretty as in the tutorial. I'm about ready to punch something, stomp my feet, or eat something bad. None of these will actually help me accomplish what I want to do, which is to create cool buttons to use on my revamped web site. Still...

On the other hand, I just ordered my birthday cake. I am not trying to decide if I want to invite friends to help eat it or not. It feeds 6-8, so either I'd have just enough or leftovers. Hmmmm....

Destined for...greatness?

OK, so here's a run-down of Ethan's very first soccer game. The picture pretty much says it all. Ethan varied from paying attention and running like hell to daydreaming about Spiderman and doing Spidey moves including creative tumbling. I was a bit "WTF?!" really. He's not usually so... easily distracted. Actually, maybe I was a bit envious that he wasn't like the other boy in the picture. This boy almost single-handedly got all the goals (5, but who was counting). He was on-task all the time and showed some serious soccer moves that even I, a total novice, could recognize. The girl in the picture was on-task but doing an excellent imitation of a statue. She pretty much just watched and ran along beside the action from time to time. So it could have been worse. Ethan almost got 2 goals and he was moving the ball toward the correct goal, so that was a plus.

Actually, it was pretty funny to watch. There was a game coach who constantly had to make sure the kids knew which way to kick the ball, when to stop kicking or start kicking (Ethan, when paying attention, was often guilty to kicking when kicking was supposed to stop), and even occasional hugs when a player was hurt (physically or emotionally--one girl would sulk every time the other team scored a goal "No fair!")

Another interesting parental experience: watching your children recreate your sports experience or not. Kyra is more enthusiastic than I am. I was definitely more of a "Why should I run for the ball when it will eventually wind up near me?" type. She's more of a go-getter. So is Ethan, except for the attention span. What's funny is feeling so uptight about their performance. As usual...

Don't make me talk to people!!

After that interview this week, the thought of doing something completely different, like working at a quilt shop or being a mystery shopper, sounded really good--although I am tired of working with the retail public, and I'm not good with people anymore. Still, I had to wonder why I was thinking this desperately. The answer: the holes in my resume, in particular, the "freelance" jobs I did for friends of Jason. I suppose if I feel really bad about them, I could just take them off entirely and call it "staying home with the kid(s)", which at least sounds better than "got in the abyss and got apathetic about my job search", which is more the truth (and is happening right now!) Still, I did the work, and I may even have gotten paid for it. But the thought of going in front of a panel of interviewers and talking about this just makes me basically cringe.

No word either way about the interview. After quizzing the connection I have at the company, I'm ambivalent about that. After the next phone interview, the next step would be an intensive all day interview with a variety of people. To me, that seems extreme. I suppose, too, that I am freaking out so much about the interview process that I forget it's goes both ways. It would be a good way to check out the company atmosphere and see if the people above me are complete idiots. Looking back, if I'd interviewed with some of the people who became my superiors at my last job, I might not have taken it. Still, I ended up working for people who I didn't even know at the time my job went from being temp to being hired.

Definitely I know that thinking about this job hunt will make it less overwhelming, less scary. But it seems easier to just watch TV and eat bad food. Sigh. I will talk myself into this. I do want to work. I don't want the stress of continual job searching. (But wouldn't it be nice to be a stay at home mom for a while? I'm so not even now...) (Not an option, according to my husband, in case you were wondering.)

I coulda been a contender...

And these were the smallest soccer shorts available.

In the continuing argument in favor or Nurture and birth order, Ethan complained at soccer practice that he doesn't like practice. It's not real soccer, like Kyra does, therefore he's not interested. Hard to impress upon him the importance of building up skills, of having to start somewhere. About as easy to explain to a kid as why they can't play "Smoke on the Water" at their very first guitar lesson. Sigh...

What's My Mantra

I have a phone interview today. My attitude ranges from fear to optimism. Should I just blow it off, or should I really try?

I applied to Company X over 2 months ago. In addition to sending in your resume, they require filling out an extensive (exhaustive) application, the filling out of which sent me into a downward eating spiral. My resume cleverly (or so I like to think) disguises the gaps in my employment. No such disguise available when asked for dates. I almost didn't apply at all. This being a phone interview, it's probably going to be more of the same: verifying that my application and resume match, and how suited I am for the requirements of the job. Put that way, it's a wonder I don't disable my phone lines immediately. Sigh.

So...I know I am ready to work now. I have flashes of competence now along with my flashes of self-doubt. I just need to make the positive flashes more prominent than the negative ones. So repeat after me:

I'm a valuable asset to any company.

I deserve to have a job that I like.

Many companies would be lucky to have me.

I like working with people (don't laugh! It's a mantra...)

I am not my resume.

Oh boy....

Update:

I am such a geek. I had constant brain freeze and, as usual, I didn't have any questions for the person. Not sure how I did. I need to rehearse some of this stuff. I am already a pro at not rambling to fill silence, so I'm fairly certain I didn't talk myself into a hole, for the most part. It's over anyway, and I won't have to worry again unless I make the cut to next phone interview with the hiring manager. Shoulda, woulda coulda. Did not help that I have a cold and my brain is just not "on" today, more so than usual.  Oh well...

Cause and Effect

Interesting time this week noting mood triggers to bad behavior. The week started out with many social situations fraught with the potential to make me feel bad. I hate new situations and not knowing what I'm doing. Taking Ethan to his new kindergarten and then going to the school picnic meets the definition new situation. It really shouldn't be that stressful, especially without the worry that dawdling will make me late for work. Somehow, though, it was, and ice cream was the result.

Later in the week, I totally ruled at trivia night, supplying about 75% of the correct answers and making us 1 point below the winners. It still amazes me that my competitive spirit exists after years of being passive and in hibernation. Still, the mood afterwards was celebratory, which also triggers food cravings. 

So basically, damned if I do and damned if I don't. I really need to find something else to comfort me when I feel stupid or uncomfortable, and something else to use for reward besides food.

Enough already!

OK, the vacation from reality is over and it's time to get back to work. I was all thinking I'd only gained 1 lb after the 2nd of my 2 August vacations, but today when I actually looked, I gained instead of lost during the first vacation. !Doh! Bummer! Like I said, enough already! This is not really the direction I want to be going!

I should have known that it was time to crawl back on the wagon. Fate has been telling me so for a while now. Seems like the last several ice cream treats have not been as I ordered or have not tasted as good as I would like. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is!

At my WW meeting a couple of weeks ago, the leader was talking about the difference between the old program and the new. In the old days, you were told what to eat and how much. You had to have a serving a liver every week. It was pretty much like having a parent telling you what to do. Now days, it's more about personal responsibility: instead of having a faceless parental figure telling what to eat and what not to eat, you have the responsibility of making the choices, adding the points, weighing and measuring the food--and following the program. 

One would ask why bother to pay money to WW if one didn't choose to actually do it. Greater women than I have quit over just such logic. I choose to see this as a journey of ups and downs. This is not me failing at a diet, this is me learning (again) what my limits are. 

I am tired of the yo-yoing. I am tired of denying myself chances to scowl into the camera instead of hiding from it. I am tired of being the "big" sister. I am tired of feeling too full of food that wasn't satisfying. I am tired of making a little grunting noise when I bend over in my jeans to pick something up. I am tired of gasping when I get to the top of the hill, and sitting out on swimming, and not participating in my own life.

So now what are you going to do???

Vacation Realities

Vacation From Sanity

Back from Colorado. I learned many things on this trip.

1. You can only drink so much water, even if you are struggling with altitude sickness.

2. Four kids can never be totally happy with all kids all the time.

3. People who own million dollar vacation homes don't necessarily have taste or sense.

4. Five year olds who normally need naps still need naps on vacation, but will not admit that.

Oh Dear....

Up again. What's up with this whole not being able to go back on the wagon thing?? Oh yeah: depression. Sigh.

Anyway, I had a couple of epiphanies this week (is that possible? Can you have more than one epiphany at a time? Different blog post topic...). One was seeing this lovely picture that Kyra took of me a few weeks ago. The irony is that these pants are the same size I've been wearing for a while, yet obviously I am much bigger than you would envision a "size 12" to be. Maybe these are "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" jeans or enchanted or something. You know, if I were comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn't mind so much being chunky. But feeling uncomfortable with the weight. My fat is totally a cliched metaphor. I feel better weighing less. I feel more feminine. I feel sexier. I have less heartburn. But.... Chips Deluxe just came out with Chocolate Malt Chip cookies.  And.... But..... Huh?!?! Don't ask me for logic! I am obviously thinking with my self-image basher.

The other epiphany happened at my daughter's swim lesson today. I was zoning out watching a private lesson of an older woman, and I was reminded how much I used to love water. I felt lithe and light and seal-like in the water. I'd stay in the pool until my lips turned blue. It was great. Now...I'm like the anti-Swimmer. I actually went several years without even buying a swim suit. A couple of years ago, due to an impending visit to a water park as part of our vacation, I bought a "swim mini". I hated it. It poufs out around my hips in a weird way. It's not as concealing as I'd hoped. This year, with another water park trip to look forward to, I bought a pair of men's swim shorts.

Side note: why are women's swim shorts cut so tight? Why don't women's swim shorts come with a draw string? Actually, I challenge you to find any comfortable women's shorts that have a draw string. It's a conspiracy!

Anyway, I haven't even tried on the swim shorts. I guess I should prior to the vacation. But the thoughts of how I used to enjoy water are simmering in the back of my head. Maybe I'll do something about that...

Right direction, for a change!

Down 1.4 lbs. Finally moving in the right direction! This week I cut down on dairy products in an effort to get my skin to stop spazzing out. Cutting down on dairy means, by default, cutting down on ice cream and cookies (as in "milk and...")

Didn't get to the meeting on time this week, and didn't quite make the exercise goal, so those will remain on my commitment list this week, and I'm adding in "increase fruits and veggies".

Resolved (more or less)

Up nearly one lb per week. Still, considering what I ate, I think I got off easy. So I'm going to climb back on the wagon one umbrella step at a time. I worked out today already. So...

Resolved: no more trigger foods around the house (sorry, kids!)

Resolved: go to a WW meeting every week, no matter how successful at eating I was.

Resolved: go to the gym at least least twice each week, and take a walk at least twice as well.

OK, those are 3 do-able goals that I believe I can achieve this week. Going right now to clean out the dribs and drabs of triggers I still have. No guilt about tossing food.

My impetus for this move was buying a new bra and it not quite fitting. I still don't quite understand that. If I still fit in size X, why would a new size X be too small??? Stretching? Fabric only stretches so much. Very odd. But I have been uncomfortable in my clothes for a number of weeks and DAMNED if I'm going to keep this up and have to buy bigger sizes. Thankfully my 2 best jeans are still loose in the waist. I'm sure if I tried to replace them with identical sizes they would be too small...

OK, OK already...

So two incidences happened this week that are finally making me say "enough already". One is the realization that it's been so long between weigh ins that I'm at the point of having to re-enroll, and the other is I'm only just starting to not feel overfull for the first time in 2 days. Yes, I woke up feeling full yesterday morning from the prior night (and I think it was the cookies I baked at 10 PM that put me over the hump), and I remained feeling full all day. Now I actually think it was some kind of tummy bug, because really, I didn't eat much yesterday at all. But still. I think I'm at a turning point.

When I was first laid off, I thought wouldn't it be cool if I lost weight and got a job before my severance pay expired. OK, those two things are not related, per se, but both would be cool things, positives resulting from a negative experience. Instead, however, I am gaining weight, haven't exercised much at all, and have not had much interest from my resume submissions at all. It's hard for me to be positive in the best of circumstances. Add a bit of a challenge and it becomes really impossible to be positive.

On the other hand, I have an opportunity to do some forms for a recruiter. If I do a good job, that could net me some kind of positive action on the job front. This week was bad in that I had my daughter home from school, so I was not able to make my usual support/resume groups. Next week I will make a game plan. I will have at least 2 ego boosting events: the meeting about forms and a volunteer banquet plus baby sitting from sister, who is usually good for an ego stroke.

So two things I can do to help me get back on the wagon: don't bring any trigger foods home, and don't make any more cakes!

Wrong Way!

Turn back, woman! I'm heading in the wrong direction--or perhaps there is a conspiracy afoot to discover the pounds that SOME others have lost. I don't want them, but I can't claim to not deserve them (or rather, have earned them).

I have been unemployed for a couple of weeks now and my upbeat, non-bitter attitude has been a bit strained at the seams. Hence the uncontrolled eating. I am trying to remind/convince myself that gaining weight is not going to help me find a job, but so far I'm not buying that. Oh well. This is a new week, another opportunity to crawl back onto the wagon and do what I know I can do: stick with the plan. Almost all the trigger food is gone now, and I'd have to leave the house to get more. On the plus side, I've somehow strained my left arm and it makes driving a bit difficult, so a joy ride to buy crap is not as likely. And I'm trying hard to reinstill the notion that the ice cream is not mine but the kids. We'll see how that goes. And no birthday cake will be in the house until Saturday. I will have help eating it, hopefully (I am planning on baking a bundt with my new pan).

Resting my arm now...

Plumb tuckered out...

Ethan's party was yesterday. He's five and still needs a nap, but doesn't always take one. So instead, he literally fell asleep on his feet.

Revising History

Have you heard? Size 12 is the new size 10; 40 is the new 30 (and 50 takes 40's place as well).

Maybe it's a Baby Boomer thing, rewriting history or facts to suit your own situation. I know my dad did a lot of revisionist history, shaping himself in stories to be the kind of father he never was in real life. But lately I appreciate a good revision myself, and I look for opportunities to make changes in myself where they won't be noticed as much.

Why hide change? Well, another way at looking at change is to admit that the way you once did things or looked or what have you was wrong, or not good, or some other negative connotation. (In fact, every positive sentiment can be flipped to be negative, and vice verse...)

Vacations are a good time for me, personally, to try out new hair styles or fashion looks. This works out for me particularly because I make such a big deal normally of not caring about my looks, so when I'm off in some strange town no one will scoff at my contradictions. For some reason, I also spend a lot of time on vacation looking for a great hat, but that's a story for another time.

I find myself poised at another opportunity for change and redefinition: I've been laid off, or layed off, depending on how you look at it. In slightly less than a month, I will be without work, or perhaps on the road to the job of my dreams, at last. I'd settle for the job of my realistic fantasies. 

A fantasy job would be you being overheard while talking to your friends by some high muckety muck at a really cool company and being brought in without an interview to a really cool job with short hours and high pay. As opposed to realistic fantasy job, which involves you finding a nice job after a short search and not too many humiliating interviews working OK hours with a couple of really nice benefits.

So here's to figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, and how I want to look, and what hat I'll wear when I get there.

Triggers!

Last week's triggers are not as easy to figure out as this week's. This week I got 30 day's notice that I'm being let go at work (layed off or laid off? Is one preferable??) Last week, however. Well, the cause wasn't as cut and dried (0r traumatic).

Last week was spring break, and my daughter was off with my husband for 3 days of it. On Friday, finally, after 4 years of procrastinating, I got around to filing our petition for re-adoption for our son. Something about the paperwork and the complex instructions, and the metal detector at the courthouse, and losing yet another keyring Swiss Army knife to security, and having the filing clerk question my documents, something in there made me feel really inadequate or stupid or something else. Then I went and met up with my family at the post office to apply for passports for the kids. Despite having my huge book of paperwork including several copies each of my and my husband's birth certificates and marriage certificate, I did not have a copy of Kyra's birth certificate. I could not convince the passport clerk or her boss that I didn't need this according to the instructions on the internet. Again with the feeling stupid or inadequate or inept, or some other "in-" prefix feeling. Sigh.

So between that and the lay off this week, I've been in an ice cream spiral of despair. Well, maybe I wouldn't go that far. I'm actually OK about losing my job. I've been trying to get up the backbone or something to leave. What I really wanted was to get a fantastic job and leave with no notice. Well, that can't happen now, what with the severance packet I have waiting at the end of the rainbow. 

It doesn't help that I have this cold that makes food taste like paste (so I keep trying to see if it tastes better...)

Well, I know that ice cream won't find me a job, that expanding over my waistline while job hunting will just make me feel more inadequate and useless and unwanted. Still, there is that other half a pint of ice cream... Maybe just one more serving...

Aaron go brah??

The leprechauns made little hats today in pre-k. Both kids tried it on (slideshow at the top).

Case in Point

Hello: my name is Shawn and I'm a sweet-oholic. It's been 3 days since my last spicy jelly bean, and 6 since those chocolate covered almonds. Both are my current obsessions, and I'm hard-pressed to make it through the day without thinking about one or both. At least the jelly beans are fat free. Problem is everyone seems to be out of them. They have plenty of Classic and Speckled. So far I've been to 4 different stores, not on the same day. The only thing that prevents me from hopping in my car and trying another store or, worse yet, going to Trader Joe's for the almonds, is that I'm running on empty and don't feel like getting gas tonight. Sigh. Well, at least I'm stocked up on my Weight Watcher English Toffee ice cream bars (which I can usually stop at 2)...

Feeling Pensieve

I found myself thinking about Harry Potter today and the Pensieve in Dumbledore's office. How cool would that be to be able to extract thoughts and store them for later analysis? Maybe you could get a perspective that you don't have ordinarily get when the thoughts are jumbled and crowding one another to get to the forefront and be acknowledged. Knowing me I'd watch the memories and think something like "I look fat in that" or "I wish I'd told so-and-so about the crumb on their upper lip..."

Another thing I was pondering was identity, and how some people have a harder time than others finding their own or feeling comfortable with them. Like me. For longer than I can remember, I have been consumed with thoughts about food, thoughts about weight. What a lot of time to spend thinking about something so prosaic, so necessary to life, but surely not so...weighty. What could I have done with my thoughts if they weren't spent on weight and self-image?

But I am an obsessor. And my obsessions become my identity for a time. When that phase is passed, I go through another identity crisis until I find the next obsession. The last decade has been invested first in fertility matters: trying for a baby, failing to have a baby, having a baby (at last!), mothering and wanting another baby, failing to have another baby, etc. I am quite the subject matter expert on a number of topics relating to the subject of family building now. After completing my family, I was sort of at a loss: what now? Finally I settled on focusing on me and getting my body back. I think maybe part of my angst lately is due to the future: what comes after losing the weight? Maybe my mind is thinking (shut up!) that it doesn't know what to obsess about next, so why not stick with this weight loss roller coaster. Does my weight loss goal need to include a "what comes next" piece in order for me to feel comfortable enough to reach it? Hmmmm....

Another thing on my mind. I was at a seminar yesterday about managing change, and I managed to make most of it about personal stuff rather than work stuff, as was intended (oh well, at least it wasn't a total waste of time). The seminar leader mentioned the steps of grieving and said sometimes people get stuck in one phase or another and have a hard time moving on. Well duh...and yet. Here it is coming on three years since my mom's illness and death and I found myself tearing up on the drive home today. I was thinking about when she was my movie buddy; how we went to see "Four Weddings and a Funeral" and laughed so hard we almost peed our pants over the opening scene where Hugh Grant says the F word over and over. And thinking about that, and other movies we laughed at, finally pushed aside those other memories of her with shorn hair and chocolate on her mouth. I miss my mom. So I guess I'm over anger and moving on...

How Bad Do You Want It?

And it turns out the answer might be, "not so much." That was the startling revelation at my last WW meeting. It's March, which is typically the time of year when all the newbies start falling off the wagon, so the leader handed out these little report cards for us to keep. It was a tracker to make sure we're doing program all week, and it was arranged from Sunday to Saturday. Now, my weigh-in day is Saturday, and the first thing I thought of was, "oh great! I can start this tomorrow!" So of course the next thing the leader said was "And we're doing this backward so we can start TODAY!" Dang! Foiled again!

So she was saying all this stuff and then she goes "who here wants to lose weight?". Now I know that I avoid going with the crowd: I don't like to clap when others clap, I refuse to do all those goofy participation dances; in short, I hate that crap. But I can't help but wonder at my first impulse, which did not feel like knee-jerk dissension: I did not want to raise my hand.

Now what kind of crap is that? Here I've been going to these meetings for over 6 years now, with varying degrees of commitment  and success; I go to the gym...a lot. I have gotten down to goal once and to to under 10% many times, and for some reason or another I just can't seem to stay there. What is holding me back?

The first thought that pops in my mind is that I don't have a realistic goal. I've been trying really hard to adopt the idea that I want to be healthy and want to be at a weight that is better for me. How can that not be a realistic goal? I like the way I feel when I'm smaller. I feel more confident, I feel healthier, but still, there is something about the attention or the compliments or some other self-defeating trip switch that goes off once those events occur that makes me fall off the wagon. I'm at that point where I stay about the same, give or take 5 lbs, in some kind of holding pattern for months. I'm in month 4 now of being close to 30 lbs down. I'm in month 4 of being between sizes and sort of fitting into my size 10s. I'm in month 4 of sort of eating core and having little mini binges. Uh oh: I feel some chastisement and self-flagellation coming!

So the question remains: what's in it for me to be fat? Is it like it would prove that I can't do this? I know I can. Unfortunately, having done it once doesn't make it easier the next time(s), it actually makes it harder. I've been tossing this topic around in my head for weeks without actually putting pen to paper (so to speak), so it's a loaded one for me, obviously. I'm on the brink: don't fall!

Are you going to wear that? Seriously?

I don't know how many times in the 90s that people asked me when I was due. The 90s, in case you aren't in the know, was a wonderful age of leggings and over-sized shirts. Actually, it's still somewhat of an "timeless classic", but it takes a certain personality to pull it off as well. Although really, who was I fooling with my maternity-wannabe wardrobe? And, coincidentally, I spent quite a bit of the 90s wishing I were pregnant.  But what better way to "disguise" your figure flaws than with clothing, right? Well, actually...

I remember a defining moment when I was having trouble finding leggings. I went into some chain store and was trying no-name clothing on. This one pair of leggings clearly revealed more than they hid. I think I can trace my disenchantment with leggings from there. But while it lasted, how delightful it was to feel like I was hiding in my clothes.

My other survival trick (read: another form of self-deception) was vests. During the acme of that trend, I must've had a dozen vests. The cool thing about them was you can wear a shirt that doesn't quite button all the way down under them, thus salvaging a piece of wardrobe until it fits later on. 

Definition: Saving until it fits (verb). A state of mental inability to accept one's size in relation to a favorite piece of clothing, often one purchased as incentive to  lose weight, such as a bikini or fitted garment.

You know, I still have things I just can't bear to part with, for one reason or another. Every once in a while I try to psyche myself out and I buy something at a spendy store, since buying things at cheap places tends to send the message to me that it's OK to gain weight at will because the cost to upgrade is so inexpensive. Like that salmon colored cross-over top from Ann Taylor. Yes I fit into it. Is that any excuse to wear it? Back when I reached goal, I bought a bunch of size mediums just because I could. The problem: the material shrinks up and in terribly, so the solution is to buy a size bigger so you can wear it longer. Oh the humanity to buy a size large when you don't "have" to!

Come to think of it, a lot of my attempts at dressing in "normal" clothing involves salmon. Hmmm....

Anyway, my motto these days (post reaching goal and gaining most of my weight back) is "just because you can doesn't mean you should. Like buying a size that fits--sort of, mostly. Like buying something that fits as long as you don't move. Like buying something trendy that actually looks bad on every body type, like the baby doll top. You know, when my daughter was a toddler and not picky, she wore a bunch of those (although for kids they call them "swing tops") and she looked great. But she's a child and doesn't have boobs. An adult woman tends to look like she's trying to be something she's not (call me Lolita and I'll call you Humbert...) Worse of all are the baby dolls that cut across the boobs of large-breasted women. Hello!? Way to highlight an area in a not very attractive way.

Actually, I do this, too. My favorite top for the past couple of years is J. Jill's crossover too. It works for me on so many levels. It has 3/4 sleeves, which are great for short-armed people like myself. It isn't fitted, so I can wear it on top of pants with impunity. And it is vaguely feminine. So if at times it cuts me across the boobs, for the most part it says "I'm trying to look like a girl and not a well-wrapped package."

So to all the women who hide in their clothing (either to conceal flab or to conceal scrawniness), I understand. But seriously: it's not working...

The Emperor's New Clothes, or Can You See Me Now?

I've been taken by the phrase "muffin top" lately, and I'm noticing them more as well. What is up with the surge in bumps and bulges? How come so many people are leaking outside the boundaries of their clothing? And the ones who are actually exposing skin, said "muffin tops": do they not look in the mirror before they leave their houses? How can you not notice a bunch of exposed skin creeping out the top of your pants?

I attribute this phenomenon to the Emperor's Syndrome: these folks just don't notice the bulges, or they hope that others don't notice it. Yes, I have clothes that look good only if I stand in a certain way with everything sucked in, but throughout the day I do more tugging than Jean Luc Picard just to maintain the look. I am never comfortable when clothes don't fit. What does it matter if you can squeeze into a smaller size if said size doesn't fit properly or you don't feel comfortable in it? I don't get it.

OK, so I'm lying: I do get it, but I wish I didn't. Wouldn't it be better to wear something that fits you and makes you look fabulous than to wear something with the dubious honor of being a smaller size? I wish I could say that size doesn't matter, but it does.

I'm also guilty of wearing the wrong size, but then again I don't own a full-length mirror and I don't check myself before leaving for work. I'm the type of person who maintains an attitude of not caring about my appearance. Deep down I'm as vain as the next person, but some areas I am less vain than others. I am guilty, too, of wearing an incorrectly sized bra. Nothing looks worse than boobs oozing out of the top of a bra: you can see it even from outside of a top. It's not sexy--well, not to me anyway. Right now I'm in a transitional stage, so I'm using the "in the process of losing weight" as my excuse for poorly fitting foundation garments. I have the opposite problem of oozing boobs: that of shrinking tits. The bra cups are a bit larger than they should be, so when I cross my arms the excess bra makes a funny line against my shirts. Sigh.

One of the things that keeps me going this weight loss experience is the feeling of loose clothing. I've felt tight jeans, I know what they're like. I've zipped my pants lying on the bed and doing some bizarre kind of shimmy to get the zipper all the way up. I've lowered myself to sit on the ground and felt like my thighs were going to pop and my gut burst. I wore jeans so tight once when I was skiing that I needed help to get up every time I fell (OK, that could have been a different problem...) BTDT. I'm enjoying the feeling of cinching my belt tighter to keep my pants up. I'm pleased with the folds of excess fabric radiating from my butt. I can bend over and tie my shoe without bringing up food chunks. (Well, the whole overeating syndrome is a topic for another day.)

An irony of losing weight and having too loose clothing is wearing the same accessories to hide the bag as I did to hide the flab. All my vests, which I have been wearing for half a decade in order to obscure my fat from view, are getting a second life. Woo hoo.

This topic is just so large, no pun intended. I'll have to finish up at a later time.

Perspective

As a human being, I think I've spent more time on the earth thinking about food or eating food or trying to impact the effects of food than any other activities combined. If I had channeled that energy into virtually any other endeavor, I probably could have come up with a solution to global warming by now. Well, at least discovered a new hobby, one that doesn't include anything edible.

At Weight Watchers, which I've been a member of for about 9 years, the talk is about thinking and motivation and planning. What do you want to achieve by losing weight? Is that a realistic goal? Are your intentions strong enough to make your goal come true? My reason right now, well, one of them, is to lose weight for my kids.

Conventional wisdom says that goals that are about transitory events or centered on others rather than doing something for yourself are doomed to failure. I know that. But my reason is more than just "for my kids," it encompasses a lot of other things. Let me explain.

I recently found a bunch of photos on disc from my old computer and imported them into iPhoto. I found tons of pictures of my husband, my daughter, my cats, and even my old house, but not a lot of me. The ones with me in them show me mugging for the camera (if you suspect you will look horrible, why not purposely look horrible??) There are virtually no pictures of me during my pregnancy. Considering that is a time when I was most at peace with my body, that's fairly ironic. But more to the point, the lack of pictures of me and my kids, besides pointing out that I usually take the pictures in my family, makes it harder for me to be included in the family. What will my children's memories of me be when I am represented by a bunch of mugging, goofy faced pictures, or me hiding under or behind something?

My son was adopted from Nepal (hence my handle, Kath'Aama), and one of the requirements of the Nepali government is an annual report, with pictures, on his life here with us. I have tons of pictures of him, tons with his adoring older sister, and many with both kids and their daddy. With me? Not so many. So every year I really work hard to find even one of me with the kids. Sometimes I have to have one taken on the spot for inclusion (talk about "spontaneous picture"...) Pretty much that is the time when all my shenanigans hiding from the camera or making the worst faces I can totally backfires on me. Is that how I want to be remembered by my kids?

The other interesting thing about my recent introspection is noticing how I looked in the past versus what I am certain I was feeling. Pictures that I once thought cringe-worthy were actually quite nice. Pictures I thought representative of a huge me turn out to be not so chubby. And conversely, times when I thought myself so clever at hiding my girth were not as successful as I thought.

So I think that the goal of feeling comfortable and confident enough to be photographed in order to provide a visual history of my life for my kids is a good goal for me. Just confine the pictures to my face and upper torso...

Spontaneity!

Today I decided to start a new blog. I've been thinking about it for a while, after finding some hideous pictures of myself on CD. Why not chronicle my weight loss efforts honestly? What a concept: being honest about weight...