I found myself thinking about Harry Potter today and the Pensieve in Dumbledore's office. How cool would that be to be able to extract thoughts and store them for later analysis? Maybe you could get a perspective that you don't have ordinarily get when the thoughts are jumbled and crowding one another to get to the forefront and be acknowledged. Knowing me I'd watch the memories and think something like "I look fat in that" or "I wish I'd told so-and-so about the crumb on their upper lip..."
Another thing I was pondering was identity, and how some people have a harder time than others finding their own or feeling comfortable with them. Like me. For longer than I can remember, I have been consumed with thoughts about food, thoughts about weight. What a lot of time to spend thinking about something so prosaic, so necessary to life, but surely not so...weighty. What could I have done with my thoughts if they weren't spent on weight and self-image?
But I am an obsessor. And my obsessions become my identity for a time. When that phase is passed, I go through another identity crisis until I find the next obsession. The last decade has been invested first in fertility matters: trying for a baby, failing to have a baby, having a baby (at last!), mothering and wanting another baby, failing to have another baby, etc. I am quite the subject matter expert on a number of topics relating to the subject of family building now. After completing my family, I was sort of at a loss: what now? Finally I settled on focusing on me and getting my body back. I think maybe part of my angst lately is due to the future: what comes after losing the weight? Maybe my mind is thinking (shut up!) that it doesn't know what to obsess about next, so why not stick with this weight loss roller coaster. Does my weight loss goal need to include a "what comes next" piece in order for me to feel comfortable enough to reach it? Hmmmm....
Another thing on my mind. I was at a seminar yesterday about managing change, and I managed to make most of it about personal stuff rather than work stuff, as was intended (oh well, at least it wasn't a total waste of time). The seminar leader mentioned the steps of grieving and said sometimes people get stuck in one phase or another and have a hard time moving on. Well duh...and yet. Here it is coming on three years since my mom's illness and death and I found myself tearing up on the drive home today. I was thinking about when she was my movie buddy; how we went to see "Four Weddings and a Funeral" and laughed so hard we almost peed our pants over the opening scene where Hugh Grant says the F word over and over. And thinking about that, and other movies we laughed at, finally pushed aside those other memories of her with shorn hair and chocolate on her mouth. I miss my mom. So I guess I'm over anger and moving on...
4 comments:
If it is near the time of the death of a loved one, you become emtional and feel low without even realizing the time of year.
As you get older you maybe come like my husband and I and all of a sudden look at each other say " OK we both are having a bad day? What time of year is it."
sure enought there is a loss of some kind conected to the time.
Bingo! Starting my morbid countdown 1 month before my mom's birthday and 2 months before her deathday. "Fortunately", she died 3 days after Ethan's birthday, so it's hard to forget.
The funny thing is my husband's dad died 1.5 years ago and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop for him. Men are just different, I guess.
They are just quieter and much more attached to their mothers.they get angery or down right mad vs meloncoly.(I DON"T SPELL GOOD"
My mothers birthday is the same as the day we buried our son, so as not to bury him on his sisters 13the birthday.
Didn't quite work out the way, I hoped, had to lean on the older girls too much and neither my mother or daughter let me forget he was buried on or near their birthday. Do you thing it would have made a difference, to hold the viewing an other 3 day's. I don't.
after a few years, we completely changed what we did around his death date,then a grandson was born two days befor the date,followed by Ben 11 yrs later just we every thing else was wearing off.
Everything in its time I quess.
I hope you don't mind my jumpin in to your blog. I have started one of my own not very good at this yet come visit.
Actually my husband isn't on speaking terms with him mom. He's a softie, but I guess he just processes things differently than I do.
No problem at your jumping in. I peeked at your blog, too. They can be quite fun, especially when you get a dialog going on.
Your picture reminds me of my mom: she had a younger brother and sister. She was a bit older than you: year of the snake, '29. I'm up too late...
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