How Bad Do You Want It?

And it turns out the answer might be, "not so much." That was the startling revelation at my last WW meeting. It's March, which is typically the time of year when all the newbies start falling off the wagon, so the leader handed out these little report cards for us to keep. It was a tracker to make sure we're doing program all week, and it was arranged from Sunday to Saturday. Now, my weigh-in day is Saturday, and the first thing I thought of was, "oh great! I can start this tomorrow!" So of course the next thing the leader said was "And we're doing this backward so we can start TODAY!" Dang! Foiled again!

So she was saying all this stuff and then she goes "who here wants to lose weight?". Now I know that I avoid going with the crowd: I don't like to clap when others clap, I refuse to do all those goofy participation dances; in short, I hate that crap. But I can't help but wonder at my first impulse, which did not feel like knee-jerk dissension: I did not want to raise my hand.

Now what kind of crap is that? Here I've been going to these meetings for over 6 years now, with varying degrees of commitment  and success; I go to the gym...a lot. I have gotten down to goal once and to to under 10% many times, and for some reason or another I just can't seem to stay there. What is holding me back?

The first thought that pops in my mind is that I don't have a realistic goal. I've been trying really hard to adopt the idea that I want to be healthy and want to be at a weight that is better for me. How can that not be a realistic goal? I like the way I feel when I'm smaller. I feel more confident, I feel healthier, but still, there is something about the attention or the compliments or some other self-defeating trip switch that goes off once those events occur that makes me fall off the wagon. I'm at that point where I stay about the same, give or take 5 lbs, in some kind of holding pattern for months. I'm in month 4 now of being close to 30 lbs down. I'm in month 4 of being between sizes and sort of fitting into my size 10s. I'm in month 4 of sort of eating core and having little mini binges. Uh oh: I feel some chastisement and self-flagellation coming!

So the question remains: what's in it for me to be fat? Is it like it would prove that I can't do this? I know I can. Unfortunately, having done it once doesn't make it easier the next time(s), it actually makes it harder. I've been tossing this topic around in my head for weeks without actually putting pen to paper (so to speak), so it's a loaded one for me, obviously. I'm on the brink: don't fall!