Still Don't Know What I'm Looking For...

My "yay me" list:

• Have not finished off any of the Thanksgiving leftovers
• Have more or less tracked all my points this week
• Went for a walk (baby steps...)
• Arranged for counseling
• Started laying out the newsletter
• Taking part in the online community at WW

Then today when I was in the shower, I almost talked myself into being more proactive in my search for short-term or long-term work. Then I got dressed. Maybe later...

I am so easily "talked out" of being motivated! It is so much easier to do nothing than to do something! I hate talking to people on the phone! I hate feeling awkward or stupid! But most of all, I just don't see me doing any of the jobs I find. What the hell do I want to be when I grow up??

I keep forgetting that I just need money. If I can get even a crappy job, it isn't forever. Then I remember other temp jobs that I hated.

Yes, I am just whining. I deserve a job that I enjoy. I deserve to be respected for my work and get acknowledgement that I do good work. I should feel good about any job that I do my best at. But...

I read on someone's blog today that food is one area that you can control when everything else in your life seems out of your control. That is definitely food for thought.

Anti Progress!

So one year ago I weighed 8 pounds less than today. The lowest I weighed this year was 188. What's up with that??!

This year has not exactly been a banner year for me. Still unemployed. Still bigger than I want to be. First panic attack. Still have high cholesterol. Quit the gym. Discovered hooping, but quit it. Re-discovered quilting, but quit it amid many projects. Spent a lot of time playing with virtual pets and trivia. Spent a long time running frantically after the wagon, trying to climb back on (or playing with the streamers dangling off: half and half).

But as they say, the journey of a thousand steps begins with just one (or something like that). My goal for the rest of the year is to get back to my old starting weight. That's just 8 lbs total. There's 5 weeks left of the year, and I lost 1.2 this week, so just 6.8 to go. I'm trying to get back into the WW community. They've revamped it and it has Facebook-like qualities to it. Hmmm... Kind of confusing to find conversations you took part in, but I'm game for something new.

Not there yet

Last week, my leader passed out these little forms titled "How on program are you?" I faithfully copied it so I could write on it and have one for next week, and then... nothing. I am not ready to be on program, apparently. In fact I had a little binge this week after some unsavory parenting or job hunting moment already out of my memory. Sigh. More thinking on why I don't really want to be healthier....

Serendipity

Ironically, even with all my eating last week, I somehow lost 2 lbs. Woo hoo! I'll take it! Now to get serious about this getting healthier.

Went for a walk yesterday, albeit a stressful one full of a little boy doing kung fu leaps close to the edge of the path (aka the "Cliffs") and his dad battling with him with sticks.

Had dinner with my sisters celebrating one of their birthdays. It was one of those chi-chi restaurants with tiny portions, so I think I did OK. No dessert there, but came home and had toasted almond gelato. Yum! But now that that's out of my system, back to work on eating healthier.

Is it too late to lose 20 pounds by 7 tonight?

Once more, here it is my high school reunion and I find myself unprepared. I've been cramming all day and still I just don't have a lot of memories. I may bring my year book as a reminder. I've been stressing this event for some time now (at least a week of sleeping poorly)--or maybe it's the job search. At any rate, I had my epiphany last night when I realized that there's no way I can possibly lose weight by tonight, so why sweat it? I was trying on clothing yesterday at a shop and nothing looked good and I looked huge. Why do I keep gaining? It's all fun and games until I have to face other people, which is pretty much every day.

But today I was thinking that even though I'm at my heaviest and I'm unemployed, I really should count my blessings, as it were. Now I'm not usually a blessings counter. In fact if you asked me if I were a glass-half-full gal or glass-half-empty, my response would be to worry if the glass size factored in, and whether it was clear or not. Still, I realize that I'm not divorced, nothing horrific has happened to me, I still have all my teeth and all of my working parts. I have a great family (one of whom is annoying me right now with his squeaky crocs: one guess who that is). Really, I have more good things than bad things right now. So what if I'm fat...

Precarious position

Another vent. Dealing with lapsed prescriptions today, which means I get to feel dumb talking to people on the phone about things I dropped the ball on. Just got myself a bit under control yesterday and managed to avoid some temptations. Today...here I am poised on the brink of feeling really stupid and out of control, so what better to do than to eat something bad! Yes, I know that won't help. And while I know there shouldn't be a connection between feeling stupid and guilty (for not getting a physical earlier in the year when I had an indication that there might be a problem) and going on a food binge, there you have it.

So I think instead I'll have a shower (yes, it is already almost noon: why do you ask??) and brush my teeth. Must get groceries today since we're out of almost everything. Maybe I'll try a new recipe out for dinner. I've got my WW ice cream for a treat.

PS: Miraculously still have 2 mini containers of ice cream in the freezer.

PSS: It occurs to me that if there's a liability issue for a doctor issuing refills for a patient he hasn't seen in 2 years, perhaps he should have written me a letter last year instead of getting stubborn and pissy about it now. Just sayin'....

Venting before I do any damage!

Just have to blow off a little steam in order to not go off on a bender. I've been obsessed lately with a certain game on a certain social network who shall remain anonymous except they are named for a body part.... Anyway, Kyra got me hooked, and Ethan plays as well. I let them have accounts on this network under my supervision, even tho they are not strictly old enough (ehem, cue the guilt over teaching a lesson about working around the system...) I got into the game so much that I created a couple of different personas in order to play more. Well, I finally reach saturation level with the game, after about a week of playing for such long stretches that I didn't eat much, and so decided to dump the extra personas. That started a bunch of redistributing the wealth, so to speak: spending these people's "money" and sending it off as gifts to me and my kids. Furthermore, my zeal in helping them reach game goals had me playing their pets, and adding new network people so as to get more "money".

Yesterday it all backfired on the wrong person: Kyra's account got disable because they suspected her of being a scammer. They said she was accepting people as friends who were not friends. What gave her away? Her account name which is clearly not a person's name, or all the gifts I sent her? Who knows. She has been slapped, but as they say, they are watching her for suspect activity.

Which brings me to my rant. How frigging hypocritical! As I got enmeshed in the game, it came to my attention that people were adding friends indiscriminately, and creating people on this network with goofier names than Kyra's, names like "John SPP", just in order to earn "money" from the training program. How is a last name like an animal less suspicious than a last name of all consonants, I ask?? So irritating!! We're not trying to scam anyone, we play nicely, we give complements and gifts. Other than bending the rules slightly, we're doing nothing wrong, whereas...

And to be clear she is being slapped by the network, not by the game. The game admins acknowledge that people will have multiple accounts, and you get rewarded for having a lot of friends. No way to have 1000+ friends than by accepting the friendship of total strangers.

So the whole thing has soured my experience of this social network. And I feel guilty for possibly getting her in trouble with my overzealous play. So join me in trying not to jump boldly off the wagon to bury my guilt... (On the plus side, my right shoulder has been bugging me more from the increased computer play, so probably just as well I take a little break from the game...)