Don't make me talk to people!!

After that interview this week, the thought of doing something completely different, like working at a quilt shop or being a mystery shopper, sounded really good--although I am tired of working with the retail public, and I'm not good with people anymore. Still, I had to wonder why I was thinking this desperately. The answer: the holes in my resume, in particular, the "freelance" jobs I did for friends of Jason. I suppose if I feel really bad about them, I could just take them off entirely and call it "staying home with the kid(s)", which at least sounds better than "got in the abyss and got apathetic about my job search", which is more the truth (and is happening right now!) Still, I did the work, and I may even have gotten paid for it. But the thought of going in front of a panel of interviewers and talking about this just makes me basically cringe.

No word either way about the interview. After quizzing the connection I have at the company, I'm ambivalent about that. After the next phone interview, the next step would be an intensive all day interview with a variety of people. To me, that seems extreme. I suppose, too, that I am freaking out so much about the interview process that I forget it's goes both ways. It would be a good way to check out the company atmosphere and see if the people above me are complete idiots. Looking back, if I'd interviewed with some of the people who became my superiors at my last job, I might not have taken it. Still, I ended up working for people who I didn't even know at the time my job went from being temp to being hired.

Definitely I know that thinking about this job hunt will make it less overwhelming, less scary. But it seems easier to just watch TV and eat bad food. Sigh. I will talk myself into this. I do want to work. I don't want the stress of continual job searching. (But wouldn't it be nice to be a stay at home mom for a while? I'm so not even now...) (Not an option, according to my husband, in case you were wondering.)

I coulda been a contender...

And these were the smallest soccer shorts available.

In the continuing argument in favor or Nurture and birth order, Ethan complained at soccer practice that he doesn't like practice. It's not real soccer, like Kyra does, therefore he's not interested. Hard to impress upon him the importance of building up skills, of having to start somewhere. About as easy to explain to a kid as why they can't play "Smoke on the Water" at their very first guitar lesson. Sigh...

What's My Mantra

I have a phone interview today. My attitude ranges from fear to optimism. Should I just blow it off, or should I really try?

I applied to Company X over 2 months ago. In addition to sending in your resume, they require filling out an extensive (exhaustive) application, the filling out of which sent me into a downward eating spiral. My resume cleverly (or so I like to think) disguises the gaps in my employment. No such disguise available when asked for dates. I almost didn't apply at all. This being a phone interview, it's probably going to be more of the same: verifying that my application and resume match, and how suited I am for the requirements of the job. Put that way, it's a wonder I don't disable my phone lines immediately. Sigh.

So...I know I am ready to work now. I have flashes of competence now along with my flashes of self-doubt. I just need to make the positive flashes more prominent than the negative ones. So repeat after me:

I'm a valuable asset to any company.

I deserve to have a job that I like.

Many companies would be lucky to have me.

I like working with people (don't laugh! It's a mantra...)

I am not my resume.

Oh boy....

Update:

I am such a geek. I had constant brain freeze and, as usual, I didn't have any questions for the person. Not sure how I did. I need to rehearse some of this stuff. I am already a pro at not rambling to fill silence, so I'm fairly certain I didn't talk myself into a hole, for the most part. It's over anyway, and I won't have to worry again unless I make the cut to next phone interview with the hiring manager. Shoulda, woulda coulda. Did not help that I have a cold and my brain is just not "on" today, more so than usual.  Oh well...

Cause and Effect

Interesting time this week noting mood triggers to bad behavior. The week started out with many social situations fraught with the potential to make me feel bad. I hate new situations and not knowing what I'm doing. Taking Ethan to his new kindergarten and then going to the school picnic meets the definition new situation. It really shouldn't be that stressful, especially without the worry that dawdling will make me late for work. Somehow, though, it was, and ice cream was the result.

Later in the week, I totally ruled at trivia night, supplying about 75% of the correct answers and making us 1 point below the winners. It still amazes me that my competitive spirit exists after years of being passive and in hibernation. Still, the mood afterwards was celebratory, which also triggers food cravings. 

So basically, damned if I do and damned if I don't. I really need to find something else to comfort me when I feel stupid or uncomfortable, and something else to use for reward besides food.

Enough already!

OK, the vacation from reality is over and it's time to get back to work. I was all thinking I'd only gained 1 lb after the 2nd of my 2 August vacations, but today when I actually looked, I gained instead of lost during the first vacation. !Doh! Bummer! Like I said, enough already! This is not really the direction I want to be going!

I should have known that it was time to crawl back on the wagon. Fate has been telling me so for a while now. Seems like the last several ice cream treats have not been as I ordered or have not tasted as good as I would like. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is!

At my WW meeting a couple of weeks ago, the leader was talking about the difference between the old program and the new. In the old days, you were told what to eat and how much. You had to have a serving a liver every week. It was pretty much like having a parent telling you what to do. Now days, it's more about personal responsibility: instead of having a faceless parental figure telling what to eat and what not to eat, you have the responsibility of making the choices, adding the points, weighing and measuring the food--and following the program. 

One would ask why bother to pay money to WW if one didn't choose to actually do it. Greater women than I have quit over just such logic. I choose to see this as a journey of ups and downs. This is not me failing at a diet, this is me learning (again) what my limits are. 

I am tired of the yo-yoing. I am tired of denying myself chances to scowl into the camera instead of hiding from it. I am tired of being the "big" sister. I am tired of feeling too full of food that wasn't satisfying. I am tired of making a little grunting noise when I bend over in my jeans to pick something up. I am tired of gasping when I get to the top of the hill, and sitting out on swimming, and not participating in my own life.

So now what are you going to do???

Vacation Realities

Vacation From Sanity

Back from Colorado. I learned many things on this trip.

1. You can only drink so much water, even if you are struggling with altitude sickness.

2. Four kids can never be totally happy with all kids all the time.

3. People who own million dollar vacation homes don't necessarily have taste or sense.

4. Five year olds who normally need naps still need naps on vacation, but will not admit that.

Oh Dear....

Up again. What's up with this whole not being able to go back on the wagon thing?? Oh yeah: depression. Sigh.

Anyway, I had a couple of epiphanies this week (is that possible? Can you have more than one epiphany at a time? Different blog post topic...). One was seeing this lovely picture that Kyra took of me a few weeks ago. The irony is that these pants are the same size I've been wearing for a while, yet obviously I am much bigger than you would envision a "size 12" to be. Maybe these are "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" jeans or enchanted or something. You know, if I were comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn't mind so much being chunky. But feeling uncomfortable with the weight. My fat is totally a cliched metaphor. I feel better weighing less. I feel more feminine. I feel sexier. I have less heartburn. But.... Chips Deluxe just came out with Chocolate Malt Chip cookies.  And.... But..... Huh?!?! Don't ask me for logic! I am obviously thinking with my self-image basher.

The other epiphany happened at my daughter's swim lesson today. I was zoning out watching a private lesson of an older woman, and I was reminded how much I used to love water. I felt lithe and light and seal-like in the water. I'd stay in the pool until my lips turned blue. It was great. Now...I'm like the anti-Swimmer. I actually went several years without even buying a swim suit. A couple of years ago, due to an impending visit to a water park as part of our vacation, I bought a "swim mini". I hated it. It poufs out around my hips in a weird way. It's not as concealing as I'd hoped. This year, with another water park trip to look forward to, I bought a pair of men's swim shorts.

Side note: why are women's swim shorts cut so tight? Why don't women's swim shorts come with a draw string? Actually, I challenge you to find any comfortable women's shorts that have a draw string. It's a conspiracy!

Anyway, I haven't even tried on the swim shorts. I guess I should prior to the vacation. But the thoughts of how I used to enjoy water are simmering in the back of my head. Maybe I'll do something about that...