That was easy (sorta)

My mood is probably the top thing keeping me off the wagon. This recession has made this one of the worst job searches ever for me, and naturally I have fallen into all the things that trap you and keep you from putting your best foot forward: isolation and depression pretty much making everything seem harder than it really is. From writing a cover letter that begs you to send a resume into the shredder to not wanting to go back to the job search networking group because you have nothing new to say, I have done it all. And none of that makes me care enough to take care of myself.

This week I finally went back to counseling. Low and behold the counselor said a number of things that make so much sense, like everyone is having a hard time finding a job, it's not personal, let the employer decide that I don't qualify for a job rather than paralyzing myself with doubt that I can do it. Just saying some of this stuff out loud is helpful. No doubt, taking that first step is what sent me to food yesterday.

For me it's all about "two steps forward, one step back", or vice verse sometimes. But I'm just calling yesterday a glitch and not letting it steer me back off the wagon. Today I finally called for my 3rd extension of unemployment; as my counselor said they wouldn't have voted it in if people (besides myself) didn't need it.

Most of counseling is not hearing anything new, but hearing from someone else. When I try to tell it to myself, it's often accompanied by judgments and negative statements. And it comes as no surprise that I have a hard time asking for help, whether it's from friends or the state employment division.

For christmas this year I think I'll give myself the gift of letting others help...

Open mouth, insert foot

I am really kind of amazing, when you think about it. How else would you explain how a natural pleaser type could live in the body of a rebel? Those two characteristics should really cancel each other out, but instead I can go out of my way to please some, while rebelling against others simultaneously. Amazing...

Witness the rebel in my reaction to anyone who says the phrase "Should you be eating that?" to me. My response is usually "Eff you, I'll have some more." Alternately, I have gotten myself into some pickles with my desire to say yes to everyone. In one work situation, I totally ended up painting myself in a corner when I should have, for once, just said "it's not my job" and passed it off to someone else. I learned that lesson late, but did finally learn it, but not before the 2 people I was working to please ended up hating each other. Note to self: it is virtually impossible to try to please too many people and end up looking good when you are forced to use the other people against each other.

Case in point, coming up with a team when the numbers are limited and the total amount of players exceeds the limit. How do you choose when the team is playing for money and bragging rights? Do you choose a friend over a better player? Do you speak to the players who don't get picked? Or are you fully intending to blame the friend not making the cut on your husband? I know there has to be a better solution than telling the friend they just don't contribute much to the team. Is there a better solution than blaming the husband, who is often opinionated and tactless anyway??

In a way, I guess it's good that I have always been a picky eater, so that the pleasing thing never extended to food. I literally would be at least twice my size if it did. But I sure do wish I could work the rebel thing to my advantage instead of against it.

Still Don't Know What I'm Looking For...

My "yay me" list:

• Have not finished off any of the Thanksgiving leftovers
• Have more or less tracked all my points this week
• Went for a walk (baby steps...)
• Arranged for counseling
• Started laying out the newsletter
• Taking part in the online community at WW

Then today when I was in the shower, I almost talked myself into being more proactive in my search for short-term or long-term work. Then I got dressed. Maybe later...

I am so easily "talked out" of being motivated! It is so much easier to do nothing than to do something! I hate talking to people on the phone! I hate feeling awkward or stupid! But most of all, I just don't see me doing any of the jobs I find. What the hell do I want to be when I grow up??

I keep forgetting that I just need money. If I can get even a crappy job, it isn't forever. Then I remember other temp jobs that I hated.

Yes, I am just whining. I deserve a job that I enjoy. I deserve to be respected for my work and get acknowledgement that I do good work. I should feel good about any job that I do my best at. But...

I read on someone's blog today that food is one area that you can control when everything else in your life seems out of your control. That is definitely food for thought.

Anti Progress!

So one year ago I weighed 8 pounds less than today. The lowest I weighed this year was 188. What's up with that??!

This year has not exactly been a banner year for me. Still unemployed. Still bigger than I want to be. First panic attack. Still have high cholesterol. Quit the gym. Discovered hooping, but quit it. Re-discovered quilting, but quit it amid many projects. Spent a lot of time playing with virtual pets and trivia. Spent a long time running frantically after the wagon, trying to climb back on (or playing with the streamers dangling off: half and half).

But as they say, the journey of a thousand steps begins with just one (or something like that). My goal for the rest of the year is to get back to my old starting weight. That's just 8 lbs total. There's 5 weeks left of the year, and I lost 1.2 this week, so just 6.8 to go. I'm trying to get back into the WW community. They've revamped it and it has Facebook-like qualities to it. Hmmm... Kind of confusing to find conversations you took part in, but I'm game for something new.

Not there yet

Last week, my leader passed out these little forms titled "How on program are you?" I faithfully copied it so I could write on it and have one for next week, and then... nothing. I am not ready to be on program, apparently. In fact I had a little binge this week after some unsavory parenting or job hunting moment already out of my memory. Sigh. More thinking on why I don't really want to be healthier....

Serendipity

Ironically, even with all my eating last week, I somehow lost 2 lbs. Woo hoo! I'll take it! Now to get serious about this getting healthier.

Went for a walk yesterday, albeit a stressful one full of a little boy doing kung fu leaps close to the edge of the path (aka the "Cliffs") and his dad battling with him with sticks.

Had dinner with my sisters celebrating one of their birthdays. It was one of those chi-chi restaurants with tiny portions, so I think I did OK. No dessert there, but came home and had toasted almond gelato. Yum! But now that that's out of my system, back to work on eating healthier.

Is it too late to lose 20 pounds by 7 tonight?

Once more, here it is my high school reunion and I find myself unprepared. I've been cramming all day and still I just don't have a lot of memories. I may bring my year book as a reminder. I've been stressing this event for some time now (at least a week of sleeping poorly)--or maybe it's the job search. At any rate, I had my epiphany last night when I realized that there's no way I can possibly lose weight by tonight, so why sweat it? I was trying on clothing yesterday at a shop and nothing looked good and I looked huge. Why do I keep gaining? It's all fun and games until I have to face other people, which is pretty much every day.

But today I was thinking that even though I'm at my heaviest and I'm unemployed, I really should count my blessings, as it were. Now I'm not usually a blessings counter. In fact if you asked me if I were a glass-half-full gal or glass-half-empty, my response would be to worry if the glass size factored in, and whether it was clear or not. Still, I realize that I'm not divorced, nothing horrific has happened to me, I still have all my teeth and all of my working parts. I have a great family (one of whom is annoying me right now with his squeaky crocs: one guess who that is). Really, I have more good things than bad things right now. So what if I'm fat...