Enough already!

OK, the vacation from reality is over and it's time to get back to work. I was all thinking I'd only gained 1 lb after the 2nd of my 2 August vacations, but today when I actually looked, I gained instead of lost during the first vacation. !Doh! Bummer! Like I said, enough already! This is not really the direction I want to be going!

I should have known that it was time to crawl back on the wagon. Fate has been telling me so for a while now. Seems like the last several ice cream treats have not been as I ordered or have not tasted as good as I would like. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is!

At my WW meeting a couple of weeks ago, the leader was talking about the difference between the old program and the new. In the old days, you were told what to eat and how much. You had to have a serving a liver every week. It was pretty much like having a parent telling you what to do. Now days, it's more about personal responsibility: instead of having a faceless parental figure telling what to eat and what not to eat, you have the responsibility of making the choices, adding the points, weighing and measuring the food--and following the program. 

One would ask why bother to pay money to WW if one didn't choose to actually do it. Greater women than I have quit over just such logic. I choose to see this as a journey of ups and downs. This is not me failing at a diet, this is me learning (again) what my limits are. 

I am tired of the yo-yoing. I am tired of denying myself chances to scowl into the camera instead of hiding from it. I am tired of being the "big" sister. I am tired of feeling too full of food that wasn't satisfying. I am tired of making a little grunting noise when I bend over in my jeans to pick something up. I am tired of gasping when I get to the top of the hill, and sitting out on swimming, and not participating in my own life.

So now what are you going to do???

Vacation Realities

Vacation From Sanity

Back from Colorado. I learned many things on this trip.

1. You can only drink so much water, even if you are struggling with altitude sickness.

2. Four kids can never be totally happy with all kids all the time.

3. People who own million dollar vacation homes don't necessarily have taste or sense.

4. Five year olds who normally need naps still need naps on vacation, but will not admit that.

Oh Dear....

Up again. What's up with this whole not being able to go back on the wagon thing?? Oh yeah: depression. Sigh.

Anyway, I had a couple of epiphanies this week (is that possible? Can you have more than one epiphany at a time? Different blog post topic...). One was seeing this lovely picture that Kyra took of me a few weeks ago. The irony is that these pants are the same size I've been wearing for a while, yet obviously I am much bigger than you would envision a "size 12" to be. Maybe these are "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" jeans or enchanted or something. You know, if I were comfortable in my own skin, I wouldn't mind so much being chunky. But feeling uncomfortable with the weight. My fat is totally a cliched metaphor. I feel better weighing less. I feel more feminine. I feel sexier. I have less heartburn. But.... Chips Deluxe just came out with Chocolate Malt Chip cookies.  And.... But..... Huh?!?! Don't ask me for logic! I am obviously thinking with my self-image basher.

The other epiphany happened at my daughter's swim lesson today. I was zoning out watching a private lesson of an older woman, and I was reminded how much I used to love water. I felt lithe and light and seal-like in the water. I'd stay in the pool until my lips turned blue. It was great. Now...I'm like the anti-Swimmer. I actually went several years without even buying a swim suit. A couple of years ago, due to an impending visit to a water park as part of our vacation, I bought a "swim mini". I hated it. It poufs out around my hips in a weird way. It's not as concealing as I'd hoped. This year, with another water park trip to look forward to, I bought a pair of men's swim shorts.

Side note: why are women's swim shorts cut so tight? Why don't women's swim shorts come with a draw string? Actually, I challenge you to find any comfortable women's shorts that have a draw string. It's a conspiracy!

Anyway, I haven't even tried on the swim shorts. I guess I should prior to the vacation. But the thoughts of how I used to enjoy water are simmering in the back of my head. Maybe I'll do something about that...

Right direction, for a change!

Down 1.4 lbs. Finally moving in the right direction! This week I cut down on dairy products in an effort to get my skin to stop spazzing out. Cutting down on dairy means, by default, cutting down on ice cream and cookies (as in "milk and...")

Didn't get to the meeting on time this week, and didn't quite make the exercise goal, so those will remain on my commitment list this week, and I'm adding in "increase fruits and veggies".

Resolved (more or less)

Up nearly one lb per week. Still, considering what I ate, I think I got off easy. So I'm going to climb back on the wagon one umbrella step at a time. I worked out today already. So...

Resolved: no more trigger foods around the house (sorry, kids!)

Resolved: go to a WW meeting every week, no matter how successful at eating I was.

Resolved: go to the gym at least least twice each week, and take a walk at least twice as well.

OK, those are 3 do-able goals that I believe I can achieve this week. Going right now to clean out the dribs and drabs of triggers I still have. No guilt about tossing food.

My impetus for this move was buying a new bra and it not quite fitting. I still don't quite understand that. If I still fit in size X, why would a new size X be too small??? Stretching? Fabric only stretches so much. Very odd. But I have been uncomfortable in my clothes for a number of weeks and DAMNED if I'm going to keep this up and have to buy bigger sizes. Thankfully my 2 best jeans are still loose in the waist. I'm sure if I tried to replace them with identical sizes they would be too small...

OK, OK already...

So two incidences happened this week that are finally making me say "enough already". One is the realization that it's been so long between weigh ins that I'm at the point of having to re-enroll, and the other is I'm only just starting to not feel overfull for the first time in 2 days. Yes, I woke up feeling full yesterday morning from the prior night (and I think it was the cookies I baked at 10 PM that put me over the hump), and I remained feeling full all day. Now I actually think it was some kind of tummy bug, because really, I didn't eat much yesterday at all. But still. I think I'm at a turning point.

When I was first laid off, I thought wouldn't it be cool if I lost weight and got a job before my severance pay expired. OK, those two things are not related, per se, but both would be cool things, positives resulting from a negative experience. Instead, however, I am gaining weight, haven't exercised much at all, and have not had much interest from my resume submissions at all. It's hard for me to be positive in the best of circumstances. Add a bit of a challenge and it becomes really impossible to be positive.

On the other hand, I have an opportunity to do some forms for a recruiter. If I do a good job, that could net me some kind of positive action on the job front. This week was bad in that I had my daughter home from school, so I was not able to make my usual support/resume groups. Next week I will make a game plan. I will have at least 2 ego boosting events: the meeting about forms and a volunteer banquet plus baby sitting from sister, who is usually good for an ego stroke.

So two things I can do to help me get back on the wagon: don't bring any trigger foods home, and don't make any more cakes!

Wrong Way!

Turn back, woman! I'm heading in the wrong direction--or perhaps there is a conspiracy afoot to discover the pounds that SOME others have lost. I don't want them, but I can't claim to not deserve them (or rather, have earned them).

I have been unemployed for a couple of weeks now and my upbeat, non-bitter attitude has been a bit strained at the seams. Hence the uncontrolled eating. I am trying to remind/convince myself that gaining weight is not going to help me find a job, but so far I'm not buying that. Oh well. This is a new week, another opportunity to crawl back onto the wagon and do what I know I can do: stick with the plan. Almost all the trigger food is gone now, and I'd have to leave the house to get more. On the plus side, I've somehow strained my left arm and it makes driving a bit difficult, so a joy ride to buy crap is not as likely. And I'm trying hard to reinstill the notion that the ice cream is not mine but the kids. We'll see how that goes. And no birthday cake will be in the house until Saturday. I will have help eating it, hopefully (I am planning on baking a bundt with my new pan).

Resting my arm now...