Look out behind you!

You know those horror films where the scrappy girl goes off by herself against all advice, and you're sitting in your seat, as she blithely looks the wrong ways, and you're screaming at the screen: "Look behind you! Run!", and she doesn't? Welcome to my life.

I spend a lot of time (A. LOT. Of. Time.) thinking about what I can do to stay motivated, to stick with program, to move more, and, inevitably, what I can eat and what I want to eat. It all falls apart during some random moment of carelessness or stupidity or just pretending I don't have a problem with eating too much of the wrong thing. It's like I'm that girl and the audience, and I can see me talking the talk, and wondering why I can't lose weight, and I see me reach for the food, and I'm screaming, "No! Not the Doritos!! Step away from that cookie!" Is it any wonder I  throw my hands up and change the channel?

I am on the precipice, and I can see the other side, and I can see exactly where I should not step in order to fall. So I had a slight gain this week. I can see just what happened, and I know it's not reversible.

There was that pain, and that made me less active this week. There was stress at work and that made me take fewer trips up and down the stairs for ice water. There was that brownie and that danish, and yes, the Doritos, but add them all up and that wasn't even the problem. For all my accounting and accountability, I am still not giving myself enough credit for what I did do right. For not buying anything in the bakery that day. For walking the form to school instead of driving (even if I didn't get any activity points for it). For going to Weight Watchers this morning without my friend when I could have stayed home and not gone like her.

So I going to continue to try to listen to the voices in my head when they say good things, and filter them out when they start that negative talk (can you do positive reinforcement with yourself?)

Goal for the week: walk just 15 minutes a day. Keep drinking that water, and parking farther away from your destination. And watch out behind you: that cookie does NOT have your name on it...

I'm big in Russia! (not literally)

I had an email yesterday that made me think about this old blog. I have actually been thinking a bunch about 2009 lately, since I am currently on the wagon and thinking about when I reached my all time, non-pregnant, high back in November 2009.

Boy, that was a sucky year, although it's been downhill (slowly, weight-wise) since then. I've been in a bit of a rut for (I can't believe I'm saying this) the last 4 years. At least in the past 12 months I've flirted with reaching my 10% twice. If I have a loss this week, it will mark the lowest I've been since (I will have to look this up). Thankfully, I haven't reached that high again.

So in other news, I have been more or less gainfully employed for a couple of years. I had my favorite job ever, with the least amount of pay, working in Adobe InDesign for Stanley Tools. I had my least favorite job so far working for (blah blah blah) at (Blah, inc). Right now I have a contender for bottom of my top list of bosses (this is not a compliment, but harder to Google, in case anyone is looking...)

Anyway, my goals this year are to be healthier in every way. So far, I've gotten my all my girl parts duly inspected, have refilled my Rx, and I'm being more active. That and I've been on the wagon, diet-wise; I'm halfway through a personal 10-week total tracking challenge. At the end of the challenge I will reward myself with something substantial (well, I just want a new iPhone, and I may as well make it a reward...) I'm thinking hard about exercising (that has to be worth a couple of activity points, right?)

The funny thing about looking at my web stats today is I'm working on this international conference, and I spent the past few hours at work looking up people's locations. One of them is Russia, so I dusted off my Cyrillic and was pronouncing names and cities in my head (hopefully not mumbling aloud). So dobrae utra!

That was easy (sorta)

My mood is probably the top thing keeping me off the wagon. This recession has made this one of the worst job searches ever for me, and naturally I have fallen into all the things that trap you and keep you from putting your best foot forward: isolation and depression pretty much making everything seem harder than it really is. From writing a cover letter that begs you to send a resume into the shredder to not wanting to go back to the job search networking group because you have nothing new to say, I have done it all. And none of that makes me care enough to take care of myself.

This week I finally went back to counseling. Low and behold the counselor said a number of things that make so much sense, like everyone is having a hard time finding a job, it's not personal, let the employer decide that I don't qualify for a job rather than paralyzing myself with doubt that I can do it. Just saying some of this stuff out loud is helpful. No doubt, taking that first step is what sent me to food yesterday.

For me it's all about "two steps forward, one step back", or vice verse sometimes. But I'm just calling yesterday a glitch and not letting it steer me back off the wagon. Today I finally called for my 3rd extension of unemployment; as my counselor said they wouldn't have voted it in if people (besides myself) didn't need it.

Most of counseling is not hearing anything new, but hearing from someone else. When I try to tell it to myself, it's often accompanied by judgments and negative statements. And it comes as no surprise that I have a hard time asking for help, whether it's from friends or the state employment division.

For christmas this year I think I'll give myself the gift of letting others help...

Open mouth, insert foot

I am really kind of amazing, when you think about it. How else would you explain how a natural pleaser type could live in the body of a rebel? Those two characteristics should really cancel each other out, but instead I can go out of my way to please some, while rebelling against others simultaneously. Amazing...

Witness the rebel in my reaction to anyone who says the phrase "Should you be eating that?" to me. My response is usually "Eff you, I'll have some more." Alternately, I have gotten myself into some pickles with my desire to say yes to everyone. In one work situation, I totally ended up painting myself in a corner when I should have, for once, just said "it's not my job" and passed it off to someone else. I learned that lesson late, but did finally learn it, but not before the 2 people I was working to please ended up hating each other. Note to self: it is virtually impossible to try to please too many people and end up looking good when you are forced to use the other people against each other.

Case in point, coming up with a team when the numbers are limited and the total amount of players exceeds the limit. How do you choose when the team is playing for money and bragging rights? Do you choose a friend over a better player? Do you speak to the players who don't get picked? Or are you fully intending to blame the friend not making the cut on your husband? I know there has to be a better solution than telling the friend they just don't contribute much to the team. Is there a better solution than blaming the husband, who is often opinionated and tactless anyway??

In a way, I guess it's good that I have always been a picky eater, so that the pleasing thing never extended to food. I literally would be at least twice my size if it did. But I sure do wish I could work the rebel thing to my advantage instead of against it.

Still Don't Know What I'm Looking For...

My "yay me" list:

• Have not finished off any of the Thanksgiving leftovers
• Have more or less tracked all my points this week
• Went for a walk (baby steps...)
• Arranged for counseling
• Started laying out the newsletter
• Taking part in the online community at WW

Then today when I was in the shower, I almost talked myself into being more proactive in my search for short-term or long-term work. Then I got dressed. Maybe later...

I am so easily "talked out" of being motivated! It is so much easier to do nothing than to do something! I hate talking to people on the phone! I hate feeling awkward or stupid! But most of all, I just don't see me doing any of the jobs I find. What the hell do I want to be when I grow up??

I keep forgetting that I just need money. If I can get even a crappy job, it isn't forever. Then I remember other temp jobs that I hated.

Yes, I am just whining. I deserve a job that I enjoy. I deserve to be respected for my work and get acknowledgement that I do good work. I should feel good about any job that I do my best at. But...

I read on someone's blog today that food is one area that you can control when everything else in your life seems out of your control. That is definitely food for thought.

Anti Progress!

So one year ago I weighed 8 pounds less than today. The lowest I weighed this year was 188. What's up with that??!

This year has not exactly been a banner year for me. Still unemployed. Still bigger than I want to be. First panic attack. Still have high cholesterol. Quit the gym. Discovered hooping, but quit it. Re-discovered quilting, but quit it amid many projects. Spent a lot of time playing with virtual pets and trivia. Spent a long time running frantically after the wagon, trying to climb back on (or playing with the streamers dangling off: half and half).

But as they say, the journey of a thousand steps begins with just one (or something like that). My goal for the rest of the year is to get back to my old starting weight. That's just 8 lbs total. There's 5 weeks left of the year, and I lost 1.2 this week, so just 6.8 to go. I'm trying to get back into the WW community. They've revamped it and it has Facebook-like qualities to it. Hmmm... Kind of confusing to find conversations you took part in, but I'm game for something new.

Not there yet

Last week, my leader passed out these little forms titled "How on program are you?" I faithfully copied it so I could write on it and have one for next week, and then... nothing. I am not ready to be on program, apparently. In fact I had a little binge this week after some unsavory parenting or job hunting moment already out of my memory. Sigh. More thinking on why I don't really want to be healthier....