Miss Perception

I keep thinking about those videos from the other day, the ones put out by Dove (awesome campaign, by the way, although oddly publicized). I think I posted the one with the sketch artist, but there was another where these women were asked what body part they didn't like of theirs and they came up with a response in like 2 seconds. When asked which ones they did like, some had to think really long and hard, sometimes not having an answer.

It is really hard to see myself objectively. I have a long laundry list of self perceived flaws. It is almost impossible to list any part of me that I genuinely like. Of course it is possible to list things I'm glad I don't have, based on flaws in other people. That much I can do. I can't keep that list on mind when trying to think of myself I positive terms.

I once took part in this group that dealt with weight issues. It was an interesting idea, but not lengthy enough or in-depth enough to make much progress. The idea was to demystify our trigger foods and to bring our thoughts about ourselves to the surface. I didn't make much progress on the self acceptance part. I did rid myself of liking Godiva chocolates; wish moonstruck had been around then.

Do you know what you look like?

I found this video today. One thing I hear over and over at WW meetings is we would never dream of saying some of the stuff we think about ourselves to any other person (well, most people wouldn't...) That is so true. And I can look back at pictures of myself, and know I felt like I was this horrible fat thing, and yet I looked so good to me now. The disconnect between what we see what we really look like is so profound. Some comments I saw about the video (from a guy) were that the women in a similar video from Dove were just being modest. Please. There is a big difference between just "being modest" and how these women were talking about themselves.

Contrast it to this guy I ran across in my job. We have this profile page where these experts are supposed to rate their expertise in order for us to gauge whether they would be a good fit to review a topic. This guy (I almost said "this tool"...) said, in both an email and in a section that was not meant for comments, that he is reticent to state that he is an expert, and the implication was because he was being modest. I found his comments very arrogant and annoying. Seriously, dude, we just want to know if you are a good fit to review certain topics: we aren't rating how modest and self-effacing you are! Now that is a good example of false modesty.

You can also pretty much always tell when someone is fishing for a compliment. You can just tell. You can. It's not rocket surgery (as a favorite named competing trivia team would say).

The other thing I want to say about this (before I eat my lunch, which is not getting any hotter) is that acceptance is difficult for me. To me, to say that I love me the way I am is like I'm saying I give in: I'm not going to try anymore. And I realize even my brain is rationalizing or simplifying the issue. There is no reason I can't love myself as I am and simultaneously aim to get healthier, which would include eating and exercising in order to get my cholesterol and blood pressure under control. But it just feels like I don't mean it. Possibly this is one reason I've had such a hard time getting and staying on the wagon this time... Hmmm...

Beware the Undertoad

Yesterday was a truly bizarre day. I spent much of it like an observer in my own body, frantically hitting undo to all the bad impulses I kept having.

This is a critical week for me. Exactly one year ago I was also at this weight. I flirted with it for a few weeks and ultimately started trending upwards, eventually regaining 10 pounds. My pattern has been pretty predictable for the last couple of years. I can't seem to gain (as it were) any new ground.

I feel like I've just been treading water, and anytime I actually start to make progress, something happens and I get sucked back into the undertow, or like they say in the World According to Garp, the Undertoad. What is it that derails me? Some catastrophic event? Some random food fest? Apparently, it is boredom.

How else can you explain my sudden interest in the half bag of chocolate chips that has been in my pantry for at least six months? Or my obsession with the cookie dough from the kids' play date. Granted, those are my favorite cookies, but the dough? Not so much. Looked at it at least three times. WTF?!?

Look out behind you!

You know those horror films where the scrappy girl goes off by herself against all advice, and you're sitting in your seat, as she blithely looks the wrong ways, and you're screaming at the screen: "Look behind you! Run!", and she doesn't? Welcome to my life.

I spend a lot of time (A. LOT. Of. Time.) thinking about what I can do to stay motivated, to stick with program, to move more, and, inevitably, what I can eat and what I want to eat. It all falls apart during some random moment of carelessness or stupidity or just pretending I don't have a problem with eating too much of the wrong thing. It's like I'm that girl and the audience, and I can see me talking the talk, and wondering why I can't lose weight, and I see me reach for the food, and I'm screaming, "No! Not the Doritos!! Step away from that cookie!" Is it any wonder I  throw my hands up and change the channel?

I am on the precipice, and I can see the other side, and I can see exactly where I should not step in order to fall. So I had a slight gain this week. I can see just what happened, and I know it's not reversible.

There was that pain, and that made me less active this week. There was stress at work and that made me take fewer trips up and down the stairs for ice water. There was that brownie and that danish, and yes, the Doritos, but add them all up and that wasn't even the problem. For all my accounting and accountability, I am still not giving myself enough credit for what I did do right. For not buying anything in the bakery that day. For walking the form to school instead of driving (even if I didn't get any activity points for it). For going to Weight Watchers this morning without my friend when I could have stayed home and not gone like her.

So I going to continue to try to listen to the voices in my head when they say good things, and filter them out when they start that negative talk (can you do positive reinforcement with yourself?)

Goal for the week: walk just 15 minutes a day. Keep drinking that water, and parking farther away from your destination. And watch out behind you: that cookie does NOT have your name on it...

I'm big in Russia! (not literally)

I had an email yesterday that made me think about this old blog. I have actually been thinking a bunch about 2009 lately, since I am currently on the wagon and thinking about when I reached my all time, non-pregnant, high back in November 2009.

Boy, that was a sucky year, although it's been downhill (slowly, weight-wise) since then. I've been in a bit of a rut for (I can't believe I'm saying this) the last 4 years. At least in the past 12 months I've flirted with reaching my 10% twice. If I have a loss this week, it will mark the lowest I've been since (I will have to look this up). Thankfully, I haven't reached that high again.

So in other news, I have been more or less gainfully employed for a couple of years. I had my favorite job ever, with the least amount of pay, working in Adobe InDesign for Stanley Tools. I had my least favorite job so far working for (blah blah blah) at (Blah, inc). Right now I have a contender for bottom of my top list of bosses (this is not a compliment, but harder to Google, in case anyone is looking...)

Anyway, my goals this year are to be healthier in every way. So far, I've gotten my all my girl parts duly inspected, have refilled my Rx, and I'm being more active. That and I've been on the wagon, diet-wise; I'm halfway through a personal 10-week total tracking challenge. At the end of the challenge I will reward myself with something substantial (well, I just want a new iPhone, and I may as well make it a reward...) I'm thinking hard about exercising (that has to be worth a couple of activity points, right?)

The funny thing about looking at my web stats today is I'm working on this international conference, and I spent the past few hours at work looking up people's locations. One of them is Russia, so I dusted off my Cyrillic and was pronouncing names and cities in my head (hopefully not mumbling aloud). So dobrae utra!

That was easy (sorta)

My mood is probably the top thing keeping me off the wagon. This recession has made this one of the worst job searches ever for me, and naturally I have fallen into all the things that trap you and keep you from putting your best foot forward: isolation and depression pretty much making everything seem harder than it really is. From writing a cover letter that begs you to send a resume into the shredder to not wanting to go back to the job search networking group because you have nothing new to say, I have done it all. And none of that makes me care enough to take care of myself.

This week I finally went back to counseling. Low and behold the counselor said a number of things that make so much sense, like everyone is having a hard time finding a job, it's not personal, let the employer decide that I don't qualify for a job rather than paralyzing myself with doubt that I can do it. Just saying some of this stuff out loud is helpful. No doubt, taking that first step is what sent me to food yesterday.

For me it's all about "two steps forward, one step back", or vice verse sometimes. But I'm just calling yesterday a glitch and not letting it steer me back off the wagon. Today I finally called for my 3rd extension of unemployment; as my counselor said they wouldn't have voted it in if people (besides myself) didn't need it.

Most of counseling is not hearing anything new, but hearing from someone else. When I try to tell it to myself, it's often accompanied by judgments and negative statements. And it comes as no surprise that I have a hard time asking for help, whether it's from friends or the state employment division.

For christmas this year I think I'll give myself the gift of letting others help...

Open mouth, insert foot

I am really kind of amazing, when you think about it. How else would you explain how a natural pleaser type could live in the body of a rebel? Those two characteristics should really cancel each other out, but instead I can go out of my way to please some, while rebelling against others simultaneously. Amazing...

Witness the rebel in my reaction to anyone who says the phrase "Should you be eating that?" to me. My response is usually "Eff you, I'll have some more." Alternately, I have gotten myself into some pickles with my desire to say yes to everyone. In one work situation, I totally ended up painting myself in a corner when I should have, for once, just said "it's not my job" and passed it off to someone else. I learned that lesson late, but did finally learn it, but not before the 2 people I was working to please ended up hating each other. Note to self: it is virtually impossible to try to please too many people and end up looking good when you are forced to use the other people against each other.

Case in point, coming up with a team when the numbers are limited and the total amount of players exceeds the limit. How do you choose when the team is playing for money and bragging rights? Do you choose a friend over a better player? Do you speak to the players who don't get picked? Or are you fully intending to blame the friend not making the cut on your husband? I know there has to be a better solution than telling the friend they just don't contribute much to the team. Is there a better solution than blaming the husband, who is often opinionated and tactless anyway??

In a way, I guess it's good that I have always been a picky eater, so that the pleasing thing never extended to food. I literally would be at least twice my size if it did. But I sure do wish I could work the rebel thing to my advantage instead of against it.