Anchors, Away!

The topic a couple of weeks ago at WW was anchors: as in, what is my anchor? While I do seem well entrenched in program, I'm not sure that I've totally embraced anchoring. I usually get back into WW in stages, and some of the tools (or "tools", as I like to call them) are more for mocking than using. Or maybe that's one of the ways I shoot myself in the foot: not totally doing program.

But this time I have been pretty contemplative. I want this to be the last time I have 50 lbs to lose, and I want to get to lifetime and stay there. So I willing to be open, and to acknowledge that a million-dollar company with lots of researchers and dough behind it might just be onto something. 

The last couple of times I've done this successfully, I have basically used an Excel spreadsheet as my anchor. This was more an exercise of what could be than something that helped. I would track my weight and have scenarios of what it would be if I lost a certain weight per week, when would I reach my goal. But much of the time this was just frustrating and not helpful. Looking at what could have been after a "bad" week is not helpful. Having such a concrete goal that does not account for reality, like water weight or heat or being sick and not going to the gym just seemed to send me on benders of feeling like a failure.

I am on my third 10% key chain. The first one is the only one I got for having lost 10% sequentially, and sometimes I feel like it was the only honest one I earned. But last week, after reaching a low weight I have not seen in over 3 years, I allowed myself to earn a 25# charm, my second. And I acknowledged that even if I didn't lose the weight consecutively, it was earned, perhaps the hard way: in small steps forward and backward.

So I was looking at my keychain with its two 25 pound charms, and my Ganesh charm, and my namaste charm, and it occurred to me that it was, indeed, my anchor. The 2 WW pieces remind me of my journey, with all its ups and downs. Ganesh reminds me that I don't want to be a fat elephant-headed person with an enormous tummy (not really a threat, but still...). And my namaste charm reminds me that I need to chill more and not be so obsessive or stressed out. I drive everyday, and I use my keys multiple times. They will do perfectly as an anchor.

Mantra of the day: I deserve this

I have had a really rocky past couple of years in many ways,  particularly with WW. You might even say I've had my ups and down, and say it with and without irony; both would be true. Hard as it was this time to get back on the wagon and stay up there unreservedly, I have stuck with it. Looking back at my weight tracker this morning, while waiting for my award and preparing mentally what I would say, even though I gained and lost and regained the same 10 lbs over and over, I was showing up. Lame, you might say, but those in the know realize that as long as you attend the meetings, you are, even in a small way, holding yourself more accountable than if you dropped out for several weeks at a time and then came back to the fold.

This year, at around the first meeting of the year, I looked back and realized that last year I had lost a total of 22 lbs, most of which I gained back. Looking back at couple of years, I realized I started and ended several weight trackers at the exact same weight. My body was set in its ways, and until I actually started doing program, nothing would change. That was less of a revelation and more of a growing suspicion, but either way it did the trick.

Today I got my 25 lb charm. This is the least I've weighed since before I trashed my weight history (damn me anyway for reseting my app...). For the past several weeks, I have been congratulated by the staff at weigh in and I have resisted celebrating my loss. It was not the first time I lost--or gained, for the matter--these pounds. Today, finally cracking down below that low point, I allowed myself to feel proud of myself, to be acknowledged. That is so hard sometimes.

We watched an episode of Elementary last night where Sherlock was blowing off his one-year sober celebration. I could so relate. But his sponsor made a good point: celebrating these milestones isn't just about us, it is also about those who struggle alongside us. Acknowledging our success gives hope to others that, too, may also reach their goals. It was a timely lesson.

I have struggled before with my weird perfectionism, or the voices in my head that tell me that even though I was working hard, I wasn't working hard enough and so didn't deserve to succeed, or some such crap. This time I want to be easier on myself.

So bring on the kudos. I will try hard not to flinch or shrug, as usual, but to take it like a woman. And mean it, wholeheartedly.

I'm preparing for the zombie apocalypse and other odd rationalizations

You probably don't know this about me, but I like paranormal/sci fi fiction. As such, I watch "Revolution", which is not about zombies (that would be Walking Dead, which I actually don't watch), but about a dystopian future where there is no power (not to be confused with the books by Sterling, that I don't read).

If I haven't lost you yet with my sidetracking, you may be wondering why any of this is relevant. Well, my daughter has a plan about the zombie apocalypse, and in the back of my mind I have an alternate one for a powerless future. That future would require bicycles. And that brings me to my point: oddest reasons to buy something.

I own a bike, and I long since stopped riding it, and turned it over to my daughter. So if we were on the run, from zombies or Monroe's militia, how would I get around? I am almost sold on the idea of a new bike. And I can justify it by more than just zombies or power outages.

My bike, purchased back in the day that mountain bikes were hot, is of a configuration that irritates my carpel tunnel. So getting a "comfort bike" would be paramount. This is a bike that wouldn't put undue pressure on my wrists, and would allow me to ride in a more natural upright position. Most importantly, a bike would allow me to engage in regular exercise, which could only lead to fitness (or perhaps accidents and humiliation, but I hope not. )

Now all I have to do is let my thinking simmer a bit, until my reasoning feels organic or at least believable.

Ode to Doris Day: que sera, sera

If you could choose between losing a half pound per week consistently or losing up to 2 lbs (or possibly gaining up to 2 lbs) per week which would you choose?

Well apparently based on my reaction to my steady but minimal loss, my answer is the latter. Or at least I seem like I am much more likely to give up if I don't lose dramatically and consistently.

Unfortunately there is no guarantee. Even following program to the letter, you still may have a slight gain or a tiny loss. But I keep getting distracted by numbers and easily thwarted by a very slow loss. But really if I were to keep this up, a half lb a week is 2 lbs per month. 6 months would be 12 lbs. that would be really cool.

So baby steps? Being them on. I will take whatever I can get.

Emotional land mines ahead

I should know better: I weighed myself this morning, second in a row. Up. Despite being "good" yesterday. But as a seasoned weight watchers veteran, I know not only that being "good" is not the whole story, and that weight fluctuated for a number of reasons. The scale gives up one piece of feedback, and it's not always reliable, especially when the scale was bought for its looks.

Still, I could go either way: determined to walk my activity points and drink my water and do what I can to at least maintain this week, or go full on despair that I will ever lose weight and throw my hands up in surrender. Why the gamut of emotional polar opposites?

Let's check some other data points, shall we. Pants: nice and loose. New shirt: not clinging uncomfortably. I managed to get an activity point while watching tv last night with my mini tramp and 15 minutes of hooping. I have not gone crazy this week, an I have plenty of flex points left.

Fun with Portion Sizes

So that week is not too bad. A little low on exercise, but the eating is pretty much under control, with one (big) exception: portion sizes.

There's a favorite dish I make with olives and pasta and mozzarella. I tend to serve it with a standard serving spoon. I have not until this moment thought about using one of my measuring devices to serve it. Perhaps that's because I haven't updated the points for it in a while. Be that as it may, the default serving size is "as much as will fit in a bowl". I'm ostensibly doing fine with flex points this week, so the two servings I had that were probably two servings each are still on program. And that pizza I had on Sat was probably close to accurately accounted for.

"Probably" is the reason I am not losing as quickly as I would like...

Miss Perception

I keep thinking about those videos from the other day, the ones put out by Dove (awesome campaign, by the way, although oddly publicized). I think I posted the one with the sketch artist, but there was another where these women were asked what body part they didn't like of theirs and they came up with a response in like 2 seconds. When asked which ones they did like, some had to think really long and hard, sometimes not having an answer.

It is really hard to see myself objectively. I have a long laundry list of self perceived flaws. It is almost impossible to list any part of me that I genuinely like. Of course it is possible to list things I'm glad I don't have, based on flaws in other people. That much I can do. I can't keep that list on mind when trying to think of myself I positive terms.

I once took part in this group that dealt with weight issues. It was an interesting idea, but not lengthy enough or in-depth enough to make much progress. The idea was to demystify our trigger foods and to bring our thoughts about ourselves to the surface. I didn't make much progress on the self acceptance part. I did rid myself of liking Godiva chocolates; wish moonstruck had been around then.